Posts Tagged ‘ Calgary ’

Calgary councillor introduces motion to have all dogs’ teeth pulled in light of recent dog attacks

May 15th, 2015 | By
Dog Teeth

By Urban Anomie Ward 15 Councillor Charlie Bain introduced a motion Friday that would require all Calgary dog owners to remove their dog’s teeth, regardless of breed, before the dog turns six months old. The motion comes after several dog attacks in the city in recent weeks, and Bain is confident that without teeth, dogs will

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Calgary falls into complete disarray after Nenshi walks away from Twitter for a few days

Jul 15th, 2014 | By
Nenshi

By Dylan Random On Tuesday Calgarians awoke to a horrible bit of news: Mayor Naheed Nenshi tweeted, “I’m taking a few days off to enjoy a family wedding ( . . . )” That’s when all hell broke loose. When things went sideways. When the shit hit the fan. Within hours, traffic became disorderly, food

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Council approves $12 million magpie relocation plan

Jun 17th, 2014 | By
Magpies Calgary

By Urban Anomie On Monday, City Council approved an ambitious plan to deal with the city’s annoying magpie problem, by capturing all the squawky birds and moving them three kms outside city limits. Dubbed “Operation Wingstrike,” the plan is being hailed as a first for any city in the world, and according to independent experts, should

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Police patrol popular hot spots, reminding Calgarians of new deodorant bylaw

May 26th, 2014 | By

By Dylan Random About 45 officers with the Calgary Police olfactory crimes division were on patrol along strategic points in the city this weekend, conducting a deodorant bylaw enforcement operation after receiving numerous complaints about “foul-smelling barbarians” in the city. “Warmer weather has created a surge in stink-related complaints,” says Cst. David Shelly of the olfactory

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91 dead, hundreds wounded as the Gluten-Free Militia launches pre-emptive strike on Anti-Dairy Forces

Mar 10th, 2014 | By
Almondheim

By Urban Anomie An Alberta newspaper reported on Monday that a missile fired from the mountains near the town of Blairmore hit an Anti-Dairy Force (ADF) controlled missile base in southeastern B.C. The news agency quoted eyewitnesses who said “hundreds” were incinerated or injured, and that the majority of the military installation was destroyed. On Thursday,

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House fire sparks neighbourhood wiener and marshmallow roast

Jan 15th, 2014 | By
House fire roasting marshmallows

By Urban Anomie A faulty coffee machine is being blamed for a house fire in the southwest neighbourhood of Killarney early Wednesday morning, which has left a crotchety elderly woman—known to neighbours as Griselda the Spider—homeless. Neighbours celebrated the unfortunate incident by gathering around the fire singing So Long It’s Been Good to Know You and

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Calgarian who wins $40 million lotto jackpot isn’t a fucker after all

Dec 17th, 2013 | By
Calgarian, Tom Crist, announced that he will give away the entirety of his $40 million lottery winnings to charity.

By Urban Anomie On Monday when Calgarians heard that a fellow citizen had won $40 million in last May’s Lotto Max, they congratulated the man, then promptly branded him a fucker. After all, any person holding a winning lottery ticket who isn’t you obviously deserves such a crude title, for no reason other than they aren’t

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Mother Nature found dead in her home, police suspect foul play

Dec 2nd, 2013 | By
Mother nature murdered

By Urban Anomie Homicide investigators with the Calgary Police Service are on the scene of an apparent targeted attack in the southeast neighbourhood of Lake Bonavista early Monday afternoon, marking what is thought to be the city’s 21st homicide this year. Officers were called to a home in the 700 block of 120 Ave. SE around

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Red Deer man endures Black Friday line for six hours to save $8 on a pair of shoes

Nov 28th, 2013 | By
Black Friday Crowd

By Urban Anomie A Red Deer man who lined-up at 3:00 a.m. to be one of the first in line at Soleful Shoes says it was all worth it to get 10% off an $80 pair of shoes that cost $3 to make. Mike Dunham, 32, arrived with a lawn chair, a dog-eared copy of The

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Couple files for divorce citing banana preferences

Oct 10th, 2013 | By
Banana brown dots

By Urban Anomie A northwest Calgary couple has filed for divorce over the different stages at which each other prefers their banana. “She knew I didn’t buy green bananas when we were dating,” says Mark Levitt, half of the couple in question. “That isn’t just a god damn phrase people use, you know.” Mark and Sarah

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