Satire

The search for Jimmy Hoffa’s remains leads authorities to famed Chicken on the Way

Sep 2nd, 2013 | By
Jimmy Hoffa

By Urban Anomie CALGARY, AB — Beneath a hockey arena, under a horse farm . . . and now in the basement of Calgary’s acclaimed Chicken on the Way restaurant. For the umpteenth time, FBI agents, this time in concert with the RCMP, went on a search for Jimmy Hoffa’s remains or clues to the disappearance of

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Look out, Nenshi! It’s no longer a one-person race to the mayoral throne

Aug 28th, 2013 | By

By Kevin Finch CALGARY — There may be a new face in Calgary’s mayoral race (hey, that rhymed!), as a local celebrity has just completed the necessary paperwork to officially kick-off his campaign against current mayor Naheed Nenshi, in this October’s municipal election—at least according to an anonymous source. Long-time Calgary weather forecaster, David Cents,

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Harper Government introduces bill effectively banning friendships between cats and dogs

Aug 23rd, 2013 | By

By Urban Anomie Taking a page from Russia’s book, the Canadian federal government announced Friday that it has introduced a bill designed to stop friendships between cats and dogs. The bill, known as UA-12, bans the spreading of “propaganda of non-traditional animal friendships” among Canadians. In effect, Bill UA-12 makes it illegal to consider, treat, or

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Pluto’s planet status gets downgraded once again

Aug 20th, 2013 | By
Pluto

By Urban Anomie The distant ice world is no longer a dwarf planet, at least according to the new definition of the term voted on by astronomers in Prague this week. “This is a major blow to Pluto, which has suffered enough humiliation in recent years,” said astronomer Rob Hawthorne of Mount Royal University in Calgary.

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Meteorologist in police custody after attacking a man who told him ‘winter is coming’

Aug 19th, 2013 | By
winter is coming

By Urban Anomie It’s not uncommon for pop culture references to work their way into the real lives of everyday fans, but one meteorologist in Calgary, AB had apparently heard enough. Police have arrested and charged Dale Schneider for assault and uttering death threats in conjunction with an incident that took place this weekend. On Sunday

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Joanne McLeod drops F-bomb on the air, Canadians go apeshit

Aug 17th, 2013 | By
fuck on tv

By Urban Anomie “Keep fit and have fun.” Or as Joanne McLeod of Body Break likely means, “Keep fit and fuck off.” During last week’s episode of The Amazing Race Canada, favourites McLeod and partner Hal Johnson were eliminated from the show after a gruelling challenge in Regina. At one point during the episode, McLeod was thought to

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Pringles purchases naming rights to iconic Saddledome

Aug 13th, 2013 | By
PringleDome

By Urban Anomie Fans of the Calgary Flames have long said that a relationship between Pringles chips and the Saddledome would be a match made in heaven. On Tuesday, Calgary Flames president and CEO, Ken King, held a press conference to announce the partnership. “I am <crunch> very <crunch, crunch> pleased to <crunch> announce that Pringles

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Calgary honours Toronto mayor Rob Ford with prestigious white asshat

Aug 12th, 2013 | By
Rob Ford Asshat

By Urban Anomie CALGARY, AB – The City of Calgary’s Mayor’s Office recognized their Toronto counterpart, Rob Ford, on Monday with the traditional Smithbilt asshat, placing him in elite company alongside Tom Cruise and Roger ‘that guy who blocks people on Twitter for no reason’ Millions – the only other recipients to receive the honour. Calgary’s

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U of C researcher cracks the mystery of disappearing honeybee colonies

Aug 11th, 2013 | By
Honeybee pollinating flower

By Urban Anomie Entire honeybee colonies around the world are either dying off or disappearing altogether. The phenomenon has been aptly named Colony Collapse Disorder (aka We’re Screwed if the Bees Disappear Disorder) and it’s being reported in every region on the planet. Honeybees play an integral part in the ecosystem. As much as 1/3 of

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87 Sunnyside homes to be demolished to make room for Costco

Aug 9th, 2013 | By
Costco Insanity

By Urban Anomie CALGARY —  City Council approved a plan on Friday to demolish 87  homes in the northwest community of Sunnyside to make way for a proposed 210,000 square-foot Costco. Many residents are upset by the move, and say the community will be devastated. “People move to communities like Sunnyside to get away from the

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