Feature

Police patrol popular hot spots, reminding Calgarians of new deodorant bylaw

May 26th, 2014 | By

By Dylan Random About 45 officers with the Calgary Police olfactory crimes division were on patrol along strategic points in the city this weekend, conducting a deodorant bylaw enforcement operation after receiving numerous complaints about “foul-smelling barbarians” in the city. “Warmer weather has created a surge in stink-related complaints,” says Cst. David Shelly of the olfactory

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91 dead, hundreds wounded as the Gluten-Free Militia launches pre-emptive strike on Anti-Dairy Forces

Mar 10th, 2014 | By
Almondheim

By Urban Anomie An Alberta newspaper reported on Monday that a missile fired from the mountains near the town of Blairmore hit an Anti-Dairy Force (ADF) controlled missile base in southeastern B.C. The news agency quoted eyewitnesses who said “hundreds” were incinerated or injured, and that the majority of the military installation was destroyed. On Thursday,

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Single man celebrates Valentine’s Day by dabbling in black magic to create a v00doo doll containing the soul of his ex-wife

Feb 13th, 2014 | By
Valentine's Day

By Urban Anomie Valentine’s Day is upon us, and with it, many lovebirds are out buying low quality chocolate at the corner store, over-priced cards riddled with corny platitudes, and surprising their loved-ones with a fluffy stuffed animal that was sewed together in Bangladesh by a mother of eight who can’t even afford shoes for herself.

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Assholes flock to social media to be the first to post spoilers of their favourite TV show

Feb 11th, 2014 | By

By Urban Anomie The Walking Dead returned this past Sunday, with its mid-season premier that saw fan-favourite Darrel board a plane and head to New Zealand, where the zombie epidemic has not yet struck. No, that’s not true . . . You see, the folks here at Urban Anomie realize not everybody watches the newest episode

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House fire sparks neighbourhood wiener and marshmallow roast

Jan 15th, 2014 | By
House fire roasting marshmallows

By Urban Anomie A faulty coffee machine is being blamed for a house fire in the southwest neighbourhood of Killarney early Wednesday morning, which has left a crotchety elderly woman—known to neighbours as Griselda the Spider—homeless. Neighbours celebrated the unfortunate incident by gathering around the fire singing So Long It’s Been Good to Know You and

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Post-secondary grads can now pay off student loan debt with unborn children, body parts

Jan 2nd, 2014 | By
protesting boobs

By Urban Anomie Are you being crushed by the weight of your student loan debt? Did you not realize that the money you borrowed for four drunken years of art school had to be paid back? Did you use those grants to buy a shiny 55-inch LCD for your dorm, which is now obsolete? Well don’t

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Calgarian who wins $40 million lotto jackpot isn’t a fucker after all

Dec 17th, 2013 | By
Calgarian, Tom Crist, announced that he will give away the entirety of his $40 million lottery winnings to charity.

By Urban Anomie On Monday when Calgarians heard that a fellow citizen had won $40 million in last May’s Lotto Max, they congratulated the man, then promptly branded him a fucker. After all, any person holding a winning lottery ticket who isn’t you obviously deserves such a crude title, for no reason other than they aren’t

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Documents reveal the Gingerbread Man’s father was a Nazi

Dec 14th, 2013 | By
Gingerbread Man Nazi

By Urban Anomie According to documents obtained in November 2013 from the German State Archives by Urban Anomie, it was discovered that Ulrich Von Gingerbread, father of Ralf Von Gingerbread—colloquially known as The Gingerbread Man—voluntarily applied to join the Nazi party on March 5, 1928, well before the party had the German country in its grips.

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Alaska sold back to Russia

Nov 26th, 2013 | By
Alaska Russia

By Urban Anomie With a mounting fiscal deficit, The Obama administration announced on Tuesday that it has sold Alaska back to Russia for more than $130,000 in an all-cash deal that will see the freezing cold state become Russian territory for the first time since 1867. President Obama’s chief of Polar Affairs, Henry Fielding, said on

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Van Damme Volvo commercial hits 50 million views in one week . . . by 38 people watching it over and over again

Nov 25th, 2013 | By
JCVD

By Urban Anomie Troubled action star, Jean-Claude Van Damme, ground the Internet to a halt last week, when Volvo unveiled their latest commercial featuring the Muscles from Brussels doing the splits across two moving trucks to the new age sounds of Enya. As of Monday evening, there have been over 50,900,000 views for the commercial, but

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