Calgary

Calgary falls into complete disarray after Nenshi walks away from Twitter for a few days

Jul 15th, 2014 | By
Nenshi

By Dylan Random On Tuesday Calgarians awoke to a horrible bit of news: Mayor Naheed Nenshi tweeted, “I’m taking a few days off to enjoy a family wedding ( . . . )” That’s when all hell broke loose. When things went sideways. When the shit hit the fan. Within hours, traffic became disorderly, food

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“I’ve been in three fights tonight and have won ‘em all,” says cowbro as he’s kicked out of Stampede grounds

Jul 13th, 2014 | By
douchebag cowboy

By Urban Anomie A Calgary Man proclaimed proudly to anybody who would listen on Saturday night that he was in three physical confrontations with other Stampede-goers, and that he was successful in each attempt at proving his manliness. Police asked the man to be quiet as they escorted him off the Stampede grounds and into the back

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Council approves $12 million magpie relocation plan

Jun 17th, 2014 | By
Magpies Calgary

By Urban Anomie On Monday, City Council approved an ambitious plan to deal with the city’s annoying magpie problem, by capturing all the squawky birds and moving them three kms outside city limits. Dubbed “Operation Wingstrike,” the plan is being hailed as a first for any city in the world, and according to independent experts, should

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Police patrol popular hot spots, reminding Calgarians of new deodorant bylaw

May 26th, 2014 | By

By Dylan Random About 45 officers with the Calgary Police olfactory crimes division were on patrol along strategic points in the city this weekend, conducting a deodorant bylaw enforcement operation after receiving numerous complaints about “foul-smelling barbarians” in the city. “Warmer weather has created a surge in stink-related complaints,” says Cst. David Shelly of the olfactory

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House fire sparks neighbourhood wiener and marshmallow roast

Jan 15th, 2014 | By
House fire roasting marshmallows

By Urban Anomie A faulty coffee machine is being blamed for a house fire in the southwest neighbourhood of Killarney early Wednesday morning, which has left a crotchety elderly woman—known to neighbours as Griselda the Spider—homeless. Neighbours celebrated the unfortunate incident by gathering around the fire singing So Long It’s Been Good to Know You and

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Post-secondary grads can now pay off student loan debt with unborn children, body parts

Jan 2nd, 2014 | By
protesting boobs

By Urban Anomie Are you being crushed by the weight of your student loan debt? Did you not realize that the money you borrowed for four drunken years of art school had to be paid back? Did you use those grants to buy a shiny 55-inch LCD for your dorm, which is now obsolete? Well don’t

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Calgarian who wins $40 million lotto jackpot isn’t a fucker after all

Dec 17th, 2013 | By
Calgarian, Tom Crist, announced that he will give away the entirety of his $40 million lottery winnings to charity.

By Urban Anomie On Monday when Calgarians heard that a fellow citizen had won $40 million in last May’s Lotto Max, they congratulated the man, then promptly branded him a fucker. After all, any person holding a winning lottery ticket who isn’t you obviously deserves such a crude title, for no reason other than they aren’t

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Condo board fines five-year-old for singing in common space

Sep 26th, 2013 | By
Condo board assholes

By Urban Anomie CALGARY, AB — Cindy O’Donnell was upset when her five-year-old daughter received a letter in the mail on Thursday, informing her she was being fined $1000 by their condominium board. What upset O’Donnell the most was that the fine was being brought against her daughter for singing the alphabet in the parking lot

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The search for Jimmy Hoffa’s remains leads authorities to famed Chicken on the Way

Sep 2nd, 2013 | By
Jimmy Hoffa

By Urban Anomie CALGARY, AB — Beneath a hockey arena, under a horse farm . . . and now in the basement of Calgary’s acclaimed Chicken on the Way restaurant. For the umpteenth time, FBI agents, this time in concert with the RCMP, went on a search for Jimmy Hoffa’s remains or clues to the disappearance of

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Look out, Nenshi! It’s no longer a one-person race to the mayoral throne

Aug 28th, 2013 | By

By Kevin Finch CALGARY — There may be a new face in Calgary’s mayoral race (hey, that rhymed!), as a local celebrity has just completed the necessary paperwork to officially kick-off his campaign against current mayor Naheed Nenshi, in this October’s municipal election—at least according to an anonymous source. Long-time Calgary weather forecaster, David Cents,

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