All entries by this author

IOC votes to reinstate Whack-A-Mole at 2020 Olympics

Sep 9th, 2013 | By
Whack a mole Olympics

By Urban Anomie Whack-A-Mole will be returning to the Olympics in 2020. After presentations by groups pushing for the inclusion of tug-of-war, mud wrestling, and Whack-A-Mole before the International Olympic Committee (IOC) on Sunday in Buenos Aires, the IOC voted to admit the high-pressure game that challenges the speed and concentration of athletes back into the

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Dyson signs exclusive sponsorship deal with the Calgary Flames

Sep 4th, 2013 | By
Calgary Flames Dyson

By Urban Anomie Global premium vacuum cleaner brand, Dyson, announced on Friday that it has signed an exclusive sponsorship deal with the Calgary Flames as its premier ambassador to reinforce its commitment towards sucking in North America. The Calgary Flames will represent the brand for their ‘Red Hot’ series of vacuum, a unique and innovative line

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The search for Jimmy Hoffa’s remains leads authorities to famed Chicken on the Way

Sep 2nd, 2013 | By
Jimmy Hoffa

By Urban Anomie CALGARY, AB — Beneath a hockey arena, under a horse farm . . . and now in the basement of Calgary’s acclaimed Chicken on the Way restaurant. For the umpteenth time, FBI agents, this time in concert with the RCMP, went on a search for Jimmy Hoffa’s remains or clues to the disappearance of

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Harper Government to deploy two-dozen robot soldiers to aid in war on drugs

Aug 29th, 2013 | By
Canadian Drug Robots

By Urban Anomie The Canadian Government is moving towards a fight to the finish in the war on drugs, with Francis Letourneau, the Minister of Agriculture, announcing today that the government has purchased 24 ‘super robots’ capable of levelling entire grow-ops with energy blasts projected from weapons mounted on each arm. Nearing 40-feet in height, and

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Look out, Nenshi! It’s no longer a one-person race to the mayoral throne

Aug 28th, 2013 | By

By Kevin Finch CALGARY — There may be a new face in Calgary’s mayoral race (hey, that rhymed!), as a local celebrity has just completed the necessary paperwork to officially kick-off his campaign against current mayor Naheed Nenshi, in this October’s municipal election—at least according to an anonymous source. Long-time Calgary weather forecaster, David Cents,

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Peanut butter crisis threatens to kill millions in Canada

Aug 27th, 2013 | By
Jif Crying

By Urban Anomie The Canadian government has stepped up its efforts to sort out the peanut butter crisis gripping millions of people in the country, in response to widespread reports of malnutrition and depression since Jif peanut butter abandoned the Canadian market in 2010. Today, some 122,000 people—mostly children—in Alberta, Ontario, and the Maritimes are severely

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Superstore employees vote to strike, customers wonder if they’ll even notice

Aug 26th, 2013 | By
Superstore Strike

By Urban Anomie Real Canadian Superstore employees have moved one step closer to strike action, after a strike vote was held in Calgary last week. Union members in the Calgary area voted 97 per cent in favour of going off the job. The same percentage of workers voted yes in Edmonton last week. Some shoppers wonder

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Harper Government introduces bill effectively banning friendships between cats and dogs

Aug 23rd, 2013 | By

By Urban Anomie Taking a page from Russia’s book, the Canadian federal government announced Friday that it has introduced a bill designed to stop friendships between cats and dogs. The bill, known as UA-12, bans the spreading of “propaganda of non-traditional animal friendships” among Canadians. In effect, Bill UA-12 makes it illegal to consider, treat, or

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RCMP arrest Vulcan, AB man accused of being a Romulan spy

Aug 21st, 2013 | By
Vulcan Starship

By Urban Anomie A 43-year-old Vulcan man has been arrested in a rural Alberta town on suspicion of spying for the Romulan Star Empire, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP) has said. The man, who goes by the name of T’Steve, told police he had photographed starships and other military-related buildings along along Highway 23 in the

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Pluto’s planet status gets downgraded once again

Aug 20th, 2013 | By
Pluto

By Urban Anomie The distant ice world is no longer a dwarf planet, at least according to the new definition of the term voted on by astronomers in Prague this week. “This is a major blow to Pluto, which has suffered enough humiliation in recent years,” said astronomer Rob Hawthorne of Mount Royal University in Calgary.

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