All entries by this author

“I’ve been in three fights tonight and have won ‘em all,” says cowbro as he’s kicked out of Stampede grounds

Jul 13th, 2014 | By
douchebag cowboy

By Urban Anomie A Calgary Man proclaimed proudly to anybody who would listen on Saturday night that he was in three physical confrontations with other Stampede-goers, and that he was successful in each attempt at proving his manliness. Police asked the man to be quiet as they escorted him off the Stampede grounds and into the back

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B.C. to partner with marijuana industry on development of new school curriculum

Jun 24th, 2014 | By
BC marijuana industry

By Urban Anomie The province of British Columbia announced today that they have partnered with various marijuana growers in the design and creation of a new school curriculum for kindergarten through grade 12 students. The marijuana industry’s involvement in the province’s educational development is creating concern among uptight conservative groups and parents. Social Reform Party hopeful,

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Council approves $12 million magpie relocation plan

Jun 17th, 2014 | By
Magpies Calgary

By Urban Anomie On Monday, City Council approved an ambitious plan to deal with the city’s annoying magpie problem, by capturing all the squawky birds and moving them three kms outside city limits. Dubbed “Operation Wingstrike,” the plan is being hailed as a first for any city in the world, and according to independent experts, should

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Zoo places lion on gluten-free, vegan diet

Jun 3rd, 2014 | By

By Urban Anomie The Alberta Zoo has an overweight lion on its hands, and plans to combat the problem by placing its pride and joy, Sefu, on an all-natural gluten-free, vegan diet. Alonzo Ramos, director of Research and Veterinary Programs at The Alberta Zoo, says his team has spent “like, three hours” researching all manner of quack-fu

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Police patrol popular hot spots, reminding Calgarians of new deodorant bylaw

May 26th, 2014 | By

By Dylan Random About 45 officers with the Calgary Police olfactory crimes division were on patrol along strategic points in the city this weekend, conducting a deodorant bylaw enforcement operation after receiving numerous complaints about “foul-smelling barbarians” in the city. “Warmer weather has created a surge in stink-related complaints,” says Cst. David Shelly of the olfactory

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91 dead, hundreds wounded as the Gluten-Free Militia launches pre-emptive strike on Anti-Dairy Forces

Mar 10th, 2014 | By
Almondheim

By Urban Anomie An Alberta newspaper reported on Monday that a missile fired from the mountains near the town of Blairmore hit an Anti-Dairy Force (ADF) controlled missile base in southeastern B.C. The news agency quoted eyewitnesses who said “hundreds” were incinerated or injured, and that the majority of the military installation was destroyed. On Thursday,

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Single man celebrates Valentine’s Day by dabbling in black magic to create a v00doo doll containing the soul of his ex-wife

Feb 13th, 2014 | By
Valentine's Day

By Urban Anomie Valentine’s Day is upon us, and with it, many lovebirds are out buying low quality chocolate at the corner store, over-priced cards riddled with corny platitudes, and surprising their loved-ones with a fluffy stuffed animal that was sewed together in Bangladesh by a mother of eight who can’t even afford shoes for herself.

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Assholes flock to social media to be the first to post spoilers of their favourite TV show

Feb 11th, 2014 | By

By Urban Anomie The Walking Dead returned this past Sunday, with its mid-season premier that saw fan-favourite Darrel board a plane and head to New Zealand, where the zombie epidemic has not yet struck. No, that’s not true . . . You see, the folks here at Urban Anomie realize not everybody watches the newest episode

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House fire sparks neighbourhood wiener and marshmallow roast

Jan 15th, 2014 | By
House fire roasting marshmallows

By Urban Anomie A faulty coffee machine is being blamed for a house fire in the southwest neighbourhood of Killarney early Wednesday morning, which has left a crotchety elderly woman—known to neighbours as Griselda the Spider—homeless. Neighbours celebrated the unfortunate incident by gathering around the fire singing So Long It’s Been Good to Know You and

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Post-secondary grads can now pay off student loan debt with unborn children, body parts

Jan 2nd, 2014 | By
protesting boobs

By Urban Anomie Are you being crushed by the weight of your student loan debt? Did you not realize that the money you borrowed for four drunken years of art school had to be paid back? Did you use those grants to buy a shiny 55-inch LCD for your dorm, which is now obsolete? Well don’t

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