All entries by this author

Canadian Men’s Hockey team faces firing squad on return from Winter Olympics

Feb 26th, 2018 | By

By Urban Anomie The Trudeau regime has carried out a public execution of the Canadian men’s hockey team after they failed to secure the gold medal at the 2018 Winter Olympics, a report from a human rights group deep inside the country has revealed. The report, released by Puck Bunny International in Vancouver, gathered information

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SAIT announces new mummification program

May 19th, 2017 | By

By Urban Anomie Students looking to pursue a career in mummifying will soon be able to enroll in SAIT’s Mummification program. Launching in 2018, the two-year diploma program is being touted as the first of its kind in over 2000 years, according to Cindy Amenhotep, the program’s Academic Chair within the School of Health and

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Internet giant Facebook rushes to ban mentions of turnips. Fake news still okay

Nov 21st, 2016 | By

By Urban Anomie Owing to recent criticisms and to the world’s disgust over turnips, the king of social media has made a move to ban any and all topics of conversations surrounding the unsightly vegetable. In a Nov. 20 Facebook post, CEO Mark Zuckerberg voiced his concerns, and reminisced how his grandmother made him eat turnips

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Earl Cowan cast as Wicked Witch in stage production of the Wizard of Oz

Aug 20th, 2015 | By
Earl Cowan Witch

By Urban Anomie “You are a lying piece of shit . . . and your little dog, too: you’re all lying pieces of shit!” Presumed Conservative party supporter and lunatic Earl Cowan has been tapped to play The Wicked Witch of the West in Royal Canadian Stratford Company’s [RCSC] production of The Wizard of Oz,

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Ashton Kutcher to reprise roll as Moron in ‘Dude, Where’s my Apple TV remote?’

Jul 7th, 2015 | By
Ashton Kutcher

Twentieth Century Fox confirmed Tuesday that Ashton Kutcher will reprise his role as Moron in a sequel to the 2000 box office flop Dude, Where’s my Car? with Charlie Sheen slated to direct. The sequel titled, Dude, Where’s my Apple TV Remote? has been in the works since February, but no details have been forthcoming until now.

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Calgary Flames to convert former Target location into new arena

Jul 1st, 2015 | By
New Calgary Flames Arena

By Urban Anomie After years of speculation and rumours, the Calgary Flames have officially unveiled plans to convert an old Target location in the city’s northwest into their new world class arena. The new state of the art facility attached to Market Mall will house a Starbucks location, escalators that can move visitors and their friend

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CBC severs ties with Peter Mansbridge for allegedly failing to use reusable grocery bags

Jun 10th, 2015 | By
Peter Mansbridge

TORONTO — The CBC has severed ties with its chief correspondent and host of The National, Peter Mansbridge, saying it determined his environmental stance on the use of grocery shopping bags failed to meet the network’s code of ethics. Just hours after receiving an anonymous tip that Mansbridge had his groceries bagged in non-biodegradable plastic

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Calgary councillor introduces motion to have all dogs’ teeth pulled in light of recent dog attacks

May 15th, 2015 | By
Dog Teeth

By Urban Anomie Ward 15 Councillor Charlie Bain introduced a motion Friday that would require all Calgary dog owners to remove their dog’s teeth, regardless of breed, before the dog turns six months old. The motion comes after several dog attacks in the city in recent weeks, and Bain is confident that without teeth, dogs will

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Dog suicides on the rise as Canada Post claws back home delivery

Mar 31st, 2015 | By
Family Dog Suicide

By Urban Anomie Suicide rates among family dogs have risen sharply in the past six months, prompting concerns from families and professionals. The reasons for human suicide are often complex and multi-faceted, and officials and researchers acknowledge that no one can explain with absolute certainty what is behind the rise in suicides of our K9

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Monsanto to begin spraying cities with chemical designed to make people not hate Monsanto

Aug 3rd, 2014 | By
Monsanto Vynthium-9

By Urban Anomie CALGARY, AB – Monsanto, one of the world’s largest producers of genetically engineered crops, will begin spraying entire cities with a new chemical called Vynthium-9, which is designed to make people more receptive to genetically engineered food, and the Monsanto name, in general. The controversial agricultural/biotechnology giant has been in the spotlight in

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