Internet giant Facebook rushes to ban mentions of turnips. Fake news still okay

Nov 21st, 2016 | By | Category: Humour
Mark Zuckerberg

14-year-old Facebook CEO, Mark Zuckerberg, is unhappy with turnips.

By Urban Anomie

Owing to recent criticisms and to the world’s disgust over turnips, the king of social media has made a move to ban any and all topics of conversations surrounding the unsightly vegetable.

In a Nov. 20 Facebook post, CEO Mark Zuckerberg voiced his concerns, and reminisced how his grandmother made him eat turnips when he was little, while outlining his company’s plan to rid the world of the paley-orange, sometimes pink, root vegetable.

“I hate them,” Zuckerberg wrote. “They taste like rotten potatoes, but they look like potatoes when they’re chopped up. And they’re easy to hide in soups and ragouts, which in a way makes them one of the greatest sources of misinformation of our time.”

After weeks of mounting pressure from political groups, media, and the Catholic Church, Zuckerberg says they are making “sweeping changes to its algorithms and stuff,” and are set to modify how it categorizes vegetables.


Turnips: They look like potatoes, but they’re NOT potatoes! They’re fake potatoes!

According to Zuckerberg, every vegetable is currently assigned a number from ‘1’ to ‘5’, the higher the number, the more tasty the vegetable. But that is set to change when a ‘0 will be added into the equation.

“Turnips definitely get a zero,” Zuckerberg wrote. “No exception.”

Ignoring concerns over how so-called ‘fake news’ might have influenced the 2016 U.S. presidential election and how that could damage Facebook’s credibility as a news source, the social media behemoth’s CEO again emphasized turnips are the real problem.

“I just fucking hate them,” Zuckerberg went on. “Hate-hate-hate them!”

According to a 2015 poll by Kavos-Reed, Zuckerberg is not alone: 98% of Americans polled outside of a Buttfuck, Nowhere Safeway said they would not buy turnips in the grocery store, which was kind of odd seeing as how the store sold-out of its turnip stock that day.

During the U.S. election, social media was heavily criticized when ‘fake news’ became incredibly popular and spread virally on sites such as Facebook, and on rivals Twitter and YouTube, as well as news aggregators such as Google News and Yahoo. But more troubling is the number of idiots who believed some of that shit, says Bjorn Rogers, a fake news analyst and professor from Columbia University.


“I’m not eating one more fucking turnip, grandma!”

“I mean obviously the Pope endorsed Donald Trump,” Rogers told Urban Anomie over the phone, possibly lacing his comments with sarcasm.

[Editor’s note: Urban Anomie does not have the resources of its mainstream media competitors to distinguish sarcasm from . . . whatever the opposite of sarcasm is.]

“And obviously anything posted on is legit. How could anybody believe it’s not legit? I mean come on!”

Disclaimer: Urban Anomie does not post fake news, and fully supports the ban on turnips

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