By Urban Anomie
Ward 15 Councillor Charlie Bain introduced a motion Friday that would require all Calgary dog owners to remove their dog’s teeth, regardless of breed, before the dog turns six months old.
The motion comes after several dog attacks in the city in recent weeks, and Bain is confident that without teeth, dogs will not feel the need to bite people.
“Dogs are born killers. No creature needs teeth as sharp and long as those in dogs,” Bain said. “Especially when there are soft dog food options out there.”
Under Bain’s proposal, once a dog has had its teeth removed—either by a licensed veterinarian, dentist, or by those rusty old pliers sitting in the garage—the dog will be required to attend eight weeks of cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) classes, where the dog will focus on identifying dysfunctional self-talk in order to change unwanted behaviours such as biting humans.
Dr. Stella Gemini, the self-proclaimed leading authority on animal behaviour—whose infomercial can be seen Sunday nights at 2:00 a.m. on channel 192—says Bain requested her expertise when he called-in two weeks ago.
“Dogs will learn how their behaviour is the result of their own self-verbalizations,” says Gemini. “Through self-observation and recognizing their negative self-talk, dogs can begin to change it.”
And of course they have no teeth.
Neil Foster, who owns a 110-pound teacup Rottweiler named Rambo, says the bill unfairly targets nice dogs like his.
“The neighbour down the street has a bitchy, yappy Chihuahua who goes right for my ankles every goddam time I walk to the mailbox,” Foster said. “ It’s those little dogs that are the problem, not my precious Rambo.”
The City is looking at other solutions, including making all dogs wear masks and capes like its Halloween or something, and arming every Calgarian with a pellet gun. The motion will be debated at next month’s council meeting.
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