Monsanto to begin spraying cities with chemical designed to make people not hate Monsanto

Aug 3rd, 2014 | By | Category: Feature, New
Monsanto Vynthium-9

Monsanto will begin spraying large quantities of Vynthium-9 on urban centres.

By Urban Anomie

CALGARY, AB – Monsanto, one of the world’s largest producers of genetically engineered crops, will begin spraying entire cities with a new chemical called Vynthium-9, which is designed to make people more receptive to genetically engineered food, and the Monsanto name, in general.

The controversial agricultural/biotechnology giant has been in the spotlight in recent years, as one of the leading names behind the use of herbicides, pesticides, and genetically engineered crop seeds, which some say is giving Monsanto too much control over the world’s food supply.

Calgarian Arthur Metts, 29, does the shopping for his young family, and is disgusted by the quality of food at his local supermarket.

“Just the other day I was buying cherries, and they were huge, succulent cherries with no worms crawling out of them or icky parts,” says Metts. “Clearly they’ve been sprayed by pesticides and fertilized.

“It’s not right,” he added.

Monsanto has been accused of everything from using petroleum based-fertilizers to taking the DNA from fish and combining it with corn seeds to trying to clone Jesus. The company says it had to find some way to help—no, to make—its critics see that the company does good.

That’s where Vynthium-9 comes in.

Vynthium-9 was discovered by accident when Monsanto scientists were transplanting the brains of live, infant monkeys wearing adorable diapers into watermelons to see if they could create a drought-resistant variety of melon. What they found, however, was that a byproduct, dubbed Vynthium-9, produced by the procedure had unusual brain washing properties.

The company quickly patented the new chemical, and is set to begin trials on major metropolitan areas this week.

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2 Comments to “Monsanto to begin spraying cities with chemical designed to make people not hate Monsanto”

  1. Dan says:

    Farmers have already SOLD OUT to monsanto, it doesn’t even surprise me that cities are starting to as well. Spendshi has to get his money to build bikes lanes and peace bridges from somewhere

  2. Andrew says:

    What a load of diper poo

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