By Dylan Random
On Tuesday Calgarians awoke to a horrible bit of news: Mayor Naheed Nenshi tweeted, “I’m taking a few days off to enjoy a family wedding ( . . . )”
That’s when all hell broke loose. When things went sideways. When the shit hit the fan.
Within hours, traffic became disorderly, food trucks abandoned Calgarians to insatiable hunger, and many bicyclists were rounded up and burned alive at the stake.
Museums and cultural centres throughout the city were ransacked and plundered, with precious items landing on eBay within minutes, such as Former Alderman Sue Higgins’ long black cigarette holder that was on permanent display at the Alison Redford Institute for Honest Politics alongside her famous coat made of Dalmatian puppies.
Sour gas wells began construction in storied inner city neighbourhoods such as Crescent Heights and Rideau, and Nose Hill Park was sold to developers with a new neighbourhood slated for the area tentatively named Druhland.
Nenshi’s arch nemesis Ezra Levant was spotted amassing an army consisting of his one or two friends, and some suspect he’s preparing for a coup.
And what of the lost four-legged little ones Nenshi warned us not to lose? According to the Calgary Humane Society, nearly 32,000 lost cat and dog complaints hit their phones lines within the first six hours.
“Our call centre in Indonesia was flooded,” said Dale Gunter, spokesman for the Humane Society. “We’ve really noticed the situation escalate since Nenhsi left Twitter, to levels not seen since the apocalypse in 2012.”
Mayor Nenshi has a strong relationship with the common people on Twitter, even taking the time to make the odd person look like an assclown when they deserve it. Politicians all over the world have taken note of the skill and finesse with which he handles his detractors, but most have decided genocide is simply easier than coming up with clever retorts. Lucky for us.
Will Calgary be saved once he returns to Twitter, or will it be too late even for the venerable Naheed Nenshi to right the ship? Only a wedding stands betwixt chaos and the 48km drive to work we’ve come to know as paradise.
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