“I’ve been in three fights tonight and have won ‘em all,” says cowbro as he’s kicked out of Stampede grounds

Jul 13th, 2014 | By | Category: Calgary, Feature, Sports
douchebag cowboy

This is a prototypical douchebag poorly disguised as a cowboy, whom you might find during Stampede week. Image courtesy of Wikipedia.

By Urban Anomie

A Calgary Man proclaimed proudly to anybody who would listen on Saturday night that he was in three physical confrontations with other Stampede-goers, and that he was successful in each attempt at proving his manliness.

Police asked the man to be quiet as they escorted him off the Stampede grounds and into the back of a police cruiser, but the man was apparently too proud and satisfied by his own achievements to be hushed into silence.

“I was in three fights tonight, and won ‘em all,” he kept repeating with increasing bravado.

Dressed in a plastic straw cowboy hat he bought nine days ago, a white ‘wife beater’ with a permanent nacho cheese stain, and jeans frayed at the ankles to highlight his toeless pleather ‘mandals with a broken strap,’ William Masterson, 27—who tells the ladies he meets during Stampede that his friends call him Wild Will—had essentially been drinking for the past week straight, and friends say they saw this coming.

“It gets hot and crowded on the Stampede grounds,” says Dean Connors, one of Masterson’s friends. “Combine that with alcohol and women and testosterone and shit, and people’s emotions get the better of them.”

Connors says he witnessed one of the confrontations.

“An elderly Asian man carrying a giant plush bumble bee walked into the beer gardens and accidentally bumped into Will,” recalls Connors with a chuckle. “Will didn’t like that much, so he picked him up and threw him into a mini donut stand.”

Tanya Durant says she witnessed Masterson get in a fight at Nashville North, and says it was over a woman.

“Ya see, this randy g’rl leaving nothin’ to the imagin’ation was barfin’ all over the place and some guy got real mad ‘cause she puked on ‘is boots or som’thin’. Then I reckon things got messy when Masterson got as ornery as a mamma bear with a sore teat at the way he was talkin’ to her. Yup, he clipped his horns good, he did.”

Officials with the Stampede haven’t actually stated they’re encouraging rampant douchbaggery during the ten-day parade. But critics, most Calgarians, deaf and blind people, the media, politicians . . . hell, everybody knows better.

“Have the kiddies bring their parents down nice and early, and get them liquored up starting at 8:00 a.m.,” says Jordan Hayes, who is not affiliated with the Stampede in any way. “Fun for the whole family.”


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