By Urban Anomie
Valentine’s Day is upon us, and with it, many lovebirds are out buying low quality chocolate at the corner store, over-priced cards riddled with corny platitudes, and surprising their loved-ones with a fluffy stuffed animal that was sewed together in Bangladesh by a mother of eight who can’t even afford shoes for herself.
After all, nothing says ‘I love you’ like over-priced trifles wrapped in pink and red foil paper on a made-up holiday.
For Ron Koffer, however, much of Valentine’s Day was spent completely naked doused in sheep’s blood, sitting in the centre of a pentagram he drew using the dry, dusty skull of a bat. The purpose of this, according to Koffer, was to appease the spirits of the underworld and allow him to transfer the soul of his ex-wife into a v00doo doll so he could torture her for eternity.
“Yeah, maybe I’m not over [Amy],” says Koffer. “But she left me two days before my 45th birthday, and that hurt, I’m telling you. That hurts.”
Koffer says she walked out after he brought home a live six-foot python whose beating heart he needed for a potion.
“She said she wasn’t happy, so I thought I’d brew a ‘happy potion.’”
Koffer works as a pharmacist in Calgary, and volunteered his time in both New Orleans and Haiti during disasters in 2005 and 2010, that devastated the communities.
“New Orleans in ’05 is when I first encountered black magic,” says Koffer. “I was helping a woman onto a boat, when we saw a looter entering one of her neighbour’s houses through a window.
“The woman pulled out a wooden rattle and shook it in a violent motion, placing a curse on the looter. Right then an alligator swam out of nowhere and ate the man.”
Koffer says the incident stuck with him, and when he was in Haiti, he further explored the potential of dark magic and V00doo.
“Haiti was a mess. There were zombies walking around eating people’s brains, and voodoo shamans casting spells and curses on them. The mainstream media never picked up on any of this, of course . . . they were calling it a ‘natural disaster’ or something ridiculous.”
Koffer’s ex-wife, who currently has a restraining order against her former husband, declined to comment, but her lawyer issued a statement on her behalf asking that her husband be locked up in an institution for the criminally insane immediately.
Police have declined to comment, citing an on-going investigation.