By Urban Anomie
A faulty coffee machine is being blamed for a house fire in the southwest neighbourhood of Killarney early Wednesday morning, which has left a crotchety elderly woman—known to neighbours as Griselda the Spider—homeless.
Neighbours celebrated the unfortunate incident by gathering around the fire singing So Long It’s Been Good to Know You and Kumbaya, and fire fighters took a break from battling the four-alarm blaze when one neighbour brought out marshmallows and hotdogs.
“The night was unseasonably warm, and I thought it would be a good time for the community to celebrate,” says neighbour. Larry Oster, whose nine-year-old daughter was allegedly placed under a curse by Griselda.
The fire started just after 2 a.m. inside a split-level home located on the 2800 block of Richmond Road, says Capt. John Harrington of the Calgary Fire Dept.
“This blaze is the latest casualty in the single cup coffee maker wars,” says Harrington, who points out that it isn’t that bloody hard to use a French press.
“To be honest, we don’t even know why people are using those confounded Keurig or Tassiomo coffee machines. It’s a fad that just won’t go away. A dangerous fad.”
Phillip Fournel, of St. Catherine’s, Ont.–whose mother’s home it was that burned to the ground–was staying in the guest bedroom at the time of the incident.
“Who fucking cares about how to make coffee?” Fournel shouted to reporters. “My family has suffered a tragedy and people are out roasting hotdogs and making s’mores!”
“Oooh, are there graham crackers?” asked an on-duty fire fighter, over-hearing the commotion of Fournel’s interview with the media.
Griselda the Spider and her son Phillip have been put-up in a Motel 8 by the Red Cross.