Post-secondary grads can now pay off student loan debt with unborn children, body parts

Jan 2nd, 2014 | By | Category: Calgary, Canada, Feature, New
protesting boobs

A protester protesting something in Calgary.

By Urban Anomie

Are you being crushed by the weight of your student loan debt? Did you not realize that the money you borrowed for four drunken years of art school had to be paid back? Did you use those grants to buy a shiny 55-inch LCD for your dorm, which is now obsolete?

Well don’t worry! The Harper Government announced on Thursday that students swimming in debt can now pay back their loans using their unborn children, and in extreme cases of borrowers being in arrears, body parts will be accepted in lieu of payment on a need-basis.

Finance Minister, Jim Preston, appeared before a crowd of peckish students at the Calgary Food Bank to make the announcement, and promised more help is on the way.

“I am pleased to announce that the Harper Government has partnered with provincial education ministers to provide an answer to the high cost of post-secondary education in Canada,” said Preston.

“New students and graduates will now have the opportunity to write-off their loans to a maximum of $25,000 by signing over their unborn children.”

It is not clear what purpose the government has for the children it will collect, but documents reveal that they are not interested in gay children, or those who are not Caucasian males with grey hair.

Michelle Coombs, a typical, whack-a-doo hippy who uses social media to push her batshit crazy anarchist ideology, says people should be using solar power cars because it’s ‘greener’ for the environment, but doesn’t actually add any meaningful discussion to the topic at hand. Oh, and something about Israel bombing somebody, blah, blah . . .

Richard Seville, an economics professor at the University of Calgary, and chair of the Riesling Committee of Bankers and Evil People, doesn’t feel sorry for customers young people in Canada who take on debt to earn a degree, and doesn’t believe the government’s plan will benefit anybody.

“We need young people to be in debt for their entire lives,” said Seville, while fitting his monocle to his eye and rubbing the tip of his moustache with his thumb and finger. “Through debt bondage, we can control people’s lives and keep the plutocracy in power.”

Despite the apparent ethical questions raised by the government’s announcement, there are those who eagerly await the chance to sign another contract they don’t really understand.

“Yeah, okay, they can have my kids,” says Jordan Wilkinson, who graduated from college two years ago. “I’m $22,000 in debt, I have bills and shit. You can always make more kids, right?”

Right now, the government says they are in need of right legs, and has begun accepting applications from desperate graduates seeking to get out of the red.

Nobody is quite sure why the government wants the body parts; spokesmen from both federal and provincial levels of government have thus far refused to comment.

 
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