By Urban Anomie
According to documents obtained in November 2013 from the German State Archives by Urban Anomie, it was discovered that Ulrich Von Gingerbread, father of Ralf Von Gingerbread—colloquially known as The Gingerbread Man—voluntarily applied to join the Nazi party on March 5, 1928, well before the party had the German country in its grips.
The Third Reich rose quickly in Germany, both in influence and power. With the annexation of Austria taking place in 1938, Nazi Germany was central to one of mankind’s most violent periods in the history of the world, when an atrocious campaign against minority cookies, crackers, and biscuits was undertaken, causing scholars to coin the term cookicide: “the deliberate and systematic destruction, in whole or in part, of cookies, crackers, or sweet, crunchable snacks of a particular flavour or taste.”
For the past half-century, members of the Nazi party, its sympathizers and collaborators have been round up, tried, and judged in international courts.
Von Gingerbread Sr. has eluded authorities due to lack of proof, leaving some to question the integrity of the international community’s commitment towards punishing those responsible for the cookicide that took place during the early part of the last century. However, proof of his involvement has finally come out of the oven.
Von Gingerbread’s son, The Gingerbread Man, has risen to become a symbol of Christmas and the many bastardized coffee products found at Starbucks this time of the year. Gingerbread-flavoured Oreos Cookies are pretty good, admittedly.
A separate record obtained by the International Confectional Centre indicates Von Gingerbread Sr. took part in the violent quelling of a peaceful protest by Austrian nuns, who sought only to enjoy “unworthy” saltines in their soup at dinner, which the Nazi party partially blamed for the failure of the first World War.
“Saltines have always been a cracker with definite crunch, but never any particular flavour or palatableness,” Von Gingerbread Sr. wrote in his autobiographical manifesto, Ich Kämpfte, Zu (“I Struggled, Too”).
Von Gingerbread Sr.—then a captain of the secret police stormtrooper gingerbread men, The Knights of Teuton—allegedly commanded a gigantic-sized oven that was designed to commercially produce gingerbread soldiers. Documents reveal that Von Gingerbread Sr. occasionally used the oven to incinerate saltines, graham crackers, and even bagels.
The Gingerbread Man has thus far refused to comment on the allegations placed on his father, but neither Starbucks nor Oreo Cookies plan to end their partnership with the man.