By Urban Anomie
With a mounting fiscal deficit, The Obama administration announced on Tuesday that it has sold Alaska back to Russia for more than $130,000 in an all-cash deal that will see the freezing cold state become Russian territory for the first time since 1867.
President Obama’s chief of Polar Affairs, Henry Fielding, said on Tuesday at a meeting held in Vlostikovsky, Siberia, that “the days of the Cold War are over” and as such, “America no longer has a need for Alaska.”
Jane Hocking and her husband, John, watched the televised press conference from the electronics department at the Wal-Mart in Fairbanks, the only retailer remaining after Wal-Mart squeezed everyone else out of business and decimated Fairbanks’ economy.
“I can’t believe this is happening,” said Mrs. Hocking. “Russia is a communist country with it’s social programs and health care and . . .”
“—Actually, this might not be so bad,” Mr. Hocking finished.
Critics and scholars argue that the Obama administration is unloading Alaska in a move that would also see Sarah Palin become someone else’s problem.
“She’s become an epic pain in America’s ass,” says Issac Rondell, a public policy professor at Smithtown University in Pennsylvania. “She will now be Russia’s to deal with, and the Obama administration is okay with that.”
Fairbanks resident George Hollister was upset by the announcement, and wonders what will happen to his two dogs who he suspects might be gay.
“I see them humping each other in the back,” says Hollister. “Is the Russian government going to lock them up now?”
Indeed, scores of Alaskan residents wonder what the future holds for them.
Thomas Wallace and his family have been residents of Alaska since The Russian Empire and America signed The Alaska Purchase which initially saw the territory sold to America for $7.2 million.
“Obama messes everything else up, so I guess we shouldn’t be surprised that he fucked this one up too,” said Wallace. “I mean, $130,000? Surely the rampant grizzly population’s testicles alone are worth 100 times that to the Chinese on the black market.”
The deal is set to take effect on Dec 1, 2013.