Southern Alberta town to change name to Kirby Montana in a bid to keep people away

Nov 21st, 2013 | By | Category: Feature, New

Banff, Alberta to change name of town to Kirby Montana in 2014.

By Urban Anomie

The tourist-destination town of Banff, Alberta has become so popular, that in order to curb people from visiting it has announced plans to change its name to Kirby Montana.

Council member, Louise White, says Kirby, Montana exemplifies a run-down shit hole that nobody wants to visit, and thinks that by making the change, it will at the very least keep morons away who are easily fooled by a duplicitous re-branding.

“I saw the fake news story CBC sent around, and immediately thought, ‘this is the answer to our problem,” says White, who brought forth the motion to her colleagues. “In the short term, we can get a jump on badly-needed infrastructure upgrades, and longer-term, we can implement plans to shoot tourists like they do in Florida to keep populations in check.

“It’s a win-win.”

The name-change is to take effect on January 4, 2014, at which point new city limits signage will be in place for the re-branding event.

Some Banff residents are upset over the name change, but understand why it has to be done.

“We have to make the sidewalks an additional eight-feet wide,” says Ray Pollack, a store owner in Banff who says  12  tourists walking side-by-side makes it difficult for pedestrian traffic to flow. “Kirby, Montana is the kind of hell you wouldn’t even stop to get gas if you were running on empty, so changing the name to Kirby Montana might help while we make improvements.”

Colleen Rhodes, an environmental biologist studying the wildlife in Banff National Park, says this will be a great opportunity for the local bear population to increase in size before tourists ruin everything.

“People stop their car when they see a bear on the side of the road, and pose their family in front of it while they take photos,” says Rhodes. “Then we have to destroy the bear after it mauls one of those dipshits. Happens three times a year, at least.”

More as it develops.

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