By Urban Anomie
Paris DePalmer, 24, was devastated on Monday night, after the revelation hit her that the turkey she bought and prepared for Thanksgiving was actually a living creature at some point.
It began after one of her Thanksgiving guests complemented the turkey she spent the afternoon preparing and cooking.
“’That’s a dope looking bird,’ Derek, [my brother-in-law] told me,” says DePalmer.
“I said, ‘Why what do you mean?’”
“Nice bird,” Derek repeated. “The turkey looks fantastic!”
DePalmer admits she didn’t know what her brother-in-law was talking about at first, but accepted the compliment all the same; assuming ‘bird’ was slang.
“Thank you very much,” she replied. “The turkey harvest was apparently not the best this season . . . something to do with the really wet spring we got.”
Everyone at the dinner table laughed, which puzzled DePalmer.
“Yeah, I hear corndog crops took a hit in Brazil last month,” her father, Earl, 56, chortled.
DePalmer spoke up.
“You know, I don’t know what’s so funny about corn dogs. I mean, those poor things. Who would eat a dog?”
“Um, honey,” her husband, Ted, 25, of over a year said. “You realize corndogs are just hotdogs wrapped in a batter, right?’
“Of course,” she replied. “Everyone knows that. And hotdogs are made of ground-up strays. It’s barbaric.
The nine people gathered around the tables fell into silence.
“And besides,” DePalmer continued. “I don’t eat meat, anyway. That’s why we’re having a vegetarian Thanksgiving.”
“Oh, so this is a Tofurkey?” asked DePalmer’s sister, Rhea.
“No, it’s a regular turkey,” DePalmer confirmed as she took the first bite of the stringy piece of breast meat after dipping it with her fork into a puddle of gravy. “Picked fresh somewhere in BC.”
Her guests all starred in silence at each other and at their host, unsure whether they were the victim of a prank.
“Paris,” her husband whispered.” You know turkeys are meat, right?”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” she told him, bringing another fork full up to her mouth. When she caught her husband—and everyone else—watching her, she said, “what are you talking about, Ted?”
DePalmer’s brother-in-law, Derek interjected.
“Seriously, Paris? “Look here,” he said, as he stood up and tore a wing and leg off the turkey. “This is its leg,” he showed her. “And here is its wing. Try to imagine it with feathers.”
Derek stuck his hand into the body cavity and hoisted the turkey into a vertical position. “Right here, that’s where the turkey’s head and neck was chopped off; and if you look inside, that’s where its guts were: the heart, liver, stoma—”
“Thank you, Derek,” his wife, Rhea, told him. “We get the picture.”
The table waited for Paris to respond, but she just starred at the turkey,
“Honey? Honey?” asked her husband. “Honey, you’re turning a bit green.”
Paris stood up and bolted from the table into the kitchen, where she violently threw-up into the sink.
She emerged from the kitchen, crying, her hair a mess in her face, and sobbed, “Oh my go’d I din’t kno’ow. Whh’y doe’n’t say on the lab’el?”
DePalmer is currently exploring her legal options.