By Urban Anomie
A northwest Calgary couple has filed for divorce over the different stages at which each other prefers their banana.
“She knew I didn’t buy green bananas when we were dating,” says Mark Levitt, half of the couple in question. “That isn’t just a god damn phrase people use, you know.”
Mark and Sarah Levitt married in 2009, one year after they began dating. The couple has no children, but have three Yorkshire Terriers named Bella, Charlie, and Chloe – which just so happens to be the three most common dogs names in the universe.
“I could never have had children with a man who prefers his bananas with brown dots all over them. They’re simply rotten at that point,” says Mrs. Levitt. “I mean, they might be good for banana bread or baking at that point . . . or maybe for the gorillas at the zoo would like them.”
The couple filed for divorce on Wednesday claiming irreconcilable differences, each demanding custody of their dogs.
“I don’t think I could trust my [dogs] with a woman who likes green bananas,” says Mr. Levitt. “Apparently she enjoys Asian and black bananas, too, but thinks herself so clever that I wouldn’t know that.”
Mrs. Levitt gasped at the allegation.
“You bastard,” exclaimed Mrs. Levitt. “Why don’t you tell them about the strap-on banana you keep in the top of the closet!”
But Mr. Levitt insists that’s for a medical use only, and has a prescription from a doctor.
“A prescription from your psychologist you’ve been banging for two years, you mean,” Mrs. Levitt retorted. “At a total cost of, what, $18,000, was it? That’s an expensive whore.”
“Timothy is not a whore, you slanderous troll,” Mr. Levitt shouted.
“How long have you been into bananas anyway, Mark?” asked Mrs. Levitt.
“How long have you had Asian bananas into you?” he responded.
“Why you stupid fucking—“
The couple were each restrained by their respective lawyers who agreed to continue the proceeding on their clients behalf via proxy solicitations.