Starbucks to begin offering insulin chasers with premium sugary drinks

Sep 29th, 2013 | By | Category: Feature, New
Starbucks insulin

Premium coffee leader, Starbucks, will soon be offering customers an insulin chaser so they can drink their coffees guilt-free.

By Urban Anomie

Premium coffee house, Starbucks, announced on Sunday, that the company will begin offering insulin chasers with their specialty beverages, such as the Pumpkin Spice Latte, for an additional 79-cents.

“Starbucks has always been a trendsetter,” says Western Canadian district manager, Marie Marlowe. “Customers can now order the worst-for-you, health-unconscientiously sugary $6 ‘coffees’ they like, and not have to worry about spiking blood-sugar levels.”

For a company that markets itself as a high-end, contemporary coffee bar for the sophisticate looking for richly-brewed coffees, Italian-style espresso drinks, cold-blended beverages, or premium teas, the risk of introducing something uncool like insulin is a move that was brought-on by the obesity epidemic plaguing western society.

“Starbucks’ marketing is very clever,” says registered dietician Diane Narducci. “People see ‘Starbucks’ and think, ‘there’s no way something expensive could be bad for me,’ and promptly order a venti—or large, to you uncultured philistines—Pumpkin Spice Lattee, a delicious and unnaturally orange profusion of coffee-flavoued whip cream and pumpkin-flavoured sugar water, and a $4 cranberry-lemon-chocolate muffin that was made in a factory in Mississauga, ON three weeks ago.”

Total calorie count, according to Narducci: 14159.

By offering an insulin chaser, Starbucks is the first major chain to skip the healthy eating bulltweet, and offer a solution that directly impacts its customers.

“We’re not offering a salad menu,” says Marlowe. “We’re not offering diet coffees. What we’re offering is a solution to the obesity epidemic. Buy more sugar drinks, and we’ll pump you full of pharmaceuticals. It’s the American way.”

Jon Howard, a starving student at the University of Calgary and self-proclaimed slave to his own desires, goes to Starbucks religiously twice a day.

“I don’t have money to spare,” says Howard. Tuition goes up 10 per cent every year, my living expenses are outra—What? Pumpkin Spice Lattes are back? AHHHHH.”

 
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