Look out, Nenshi! It’s no longer a one-person race to the mayoral throne

Aug 28th, 2013 | By | Category: Calgary, Satire
Old City Hall, where the office of Calgarians' overlord is housed.

Old City Hall, where the office of Calgarians’ overlord is housed.

By Kevin Finch

CALGARY — There may be a new face in Calgary’s mayoral race (hey, that rhymed!), as a local celebrity has just completed the necessary paperwork to officially kick-off his campaign against current mayor Naheed Nenshi, in this October’s municipal election—at least according to an anonymous source.

Long-time Calgary weather forecaster, David Cents, has thrown his name into the hat, says the source, who’s requested he be referred to as “Chuck.”

Cents’ decision to reach out and seize the Matrix of Leadership comes shortly after recent remarks by Mount Royal University Political Scientist, Duane Bratt, who noted that Nenshi’s popularity has surged following the unfortunate flooding in southern Alberta this year.

“No serious person is going to run against Nenshi, because it’s going to be a lost cause,” Bratt said last week. “Now, that doesn’t mean nobody will run, but it won’t be a serious contender.”

According to Chuck, however, there is someone who can beat Nenshi; someone who’s always serious: Cents.

Though he admits it is a long shot, Chuck says that he believes Cents’ chances are better than most, especially after the floods.

“The only person who could have done better than Nenshi as head of City Council is Cents himself,” said Jeremy.

“Sure, Nenshi did a great job managing the situation after the fact, but [Cents] could have warned Albertans weeks in advance of the floods, rather than mitigating the problem once it occurred.”

He noted that if Cents plays up his 60-odd years worth of meteorology experience, he might actually de-throne the noun pronouncer.

Chuck added he will be managing Cents’ campaign, and says an official announcement on weather Cents will be leaving Channel 3 or not will be made shortly.

Chuck declined to comment directly on reports that Cents occasionally likes to roll the dice and refer to Dungeons and Dragons weather charts rather than actually study the current weather patterns, but did say that he ‘let Nenshi have that one,’ referring, obviously, to June’s record floods.

“Cents has said all along that all the fancy equipment in the weather studio is outdated and more often than not completely wrong,” according to Chuck.

“He actually rolled in May and threw a flooding roll, but chose to ignore it in hopes that Nenshi would not handle the situation well.”

Despite the mayor’s apparent victory in securing the hearts and minds of Calgarians in recent months, Chuck says that Cents is predicting a good chance of precipitation in the Nenshi camp following the election.

“Nenshi’s judgment is clouded with a chance of foul-smelling wind if he thinks he can win this time,” Chuck said.

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