Harper Government introduces bill effectively banning friendships between cats and dogs

Aug 23rd, 2013 | By | Category: Canada, News, Satire
Bill UA-12 would make it illegal for cats and dogs to be friends in Canada.

Bill UA-12 would make it illegal for cats and dogs to be friends in Canada.

By Urban Anomie

Taking a page from Russia’s book, the Canadian federal government announced Friday that it has introduced a bill designed to stop friendships between cats and dogs.

The bill, known as UA-12, bans the spreading of “propaganda of non-traditional animal friendships” among Canadians. In effect, Bill UA-12 makes it illegal to consider, treat, or depict as equal friendships between dog and cat, as well as the distribution of material on inter-species plutonic relationships. It introduces fines for individuals and media groups found guilty of breaking the law, as well as special fines for foreigners visiting the country.

Sergei Jones, Minister of Animal Affairs, says inter-species animal friendships pose a threat to the very foundation of Canadian moral values.

“The definition of dog and cat relationships clearly states that it is wrong for a dog and a cat to be friends. It’s unnatural,” said Jones.

The bill has been widely criticized by Canada’s marginalized animal rights community, and comes amid a country-wide crackdown against animals and animal lovers in the country.

“I have nothing but sincere contempt for the Harper Government,” says Marjorie Perrin, who owns four adopted pets, two dogs and two cats. “This is downright fascism.”

Canada’s anti-multispecies friendship bill would introduce fines of up to $325,000 for individuals who have used the media or Internet to promote “non-traditional relations.” Organizations can be fined up to $1 million and closed down for up to 60 days.

The bill, which must be passed in the House of Commons to become law, also gives the Harper Government the right to detain foreigners for up to 15 days and deported, as well as fined to a maximum of $100,000 for breaking the law.

Scottish journalist, and international animal lover, Jimmy McDougall, regularly travels to Canada, and says he sympathizes with the country’s struggling animal rights movement.

“Tha’s nuthin’ ain’ no fookin’ bloody way abou’ it,” said McDougall. “”Ca’s and dogs been fookin’ a’roun’ since b’for ma’ da’s been poolin’ weeds ou’ of ‘is arse.”

Clashes broke out in front of Parliament Hill on Friday afternoon, as around 700 activists gathered to protest against Bill UA-12. Police said 60 people, three dogs and 11 cats were detained, but Canadian animal lovers and hippies with no job and nothing better to do say they will continue to fight this bill and force the government to rethink its stance.

“This bill was a complete surprise, but not unexpected,” says Jess Kendrick of The Lizards, Cats, Dogs, and Turtles Network (LCDT.)

“We insist on equal rights for all and we will continue to stand up against these kid of archaic values that are today being actively promoted by the government. We are doing this because we think these values don’t have a place in a free, modern society like Canada.”

Kevin Fenn, who was walking his dog at a park when he heard the news, thinks once the smoke clears, people will see that the fire wasn’t very big to begin with.

“Cats are something of a pain in the ass,” said Fenn. “And most hate dogs anyway, so I don’t know what people are getting so upset about.”

But according to Kendrick, the government is using instincts such as felinephobia, homophobia, xenophobia, and dogophobia to justify its policies against the animal community.

“They are making enemies out of us . . . and by ‘us’ I don’t mean the LCDT community, but society in general. Canadians should be worried. Very worried.”

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