By Urban Anomie
Fans of the Calgary Flames have long said that a relationship between Pringles chips and the Saddledome would be a match made in heaven. On Tuesday, Calgary Flames president and CEO, Ken King, held a press conference to announce the partnership.
“I am <crunch> very <crunch, crunch> pleased to <crunch> announce that Pringles <crunch> and the Calgary Flames have <crunch> come to a deal <crunch> that will <crunch, crunch> see Pringles hold the <crunch> naming rights <crunch> for 12 <crunch> years,” said King while munching on salt and vinegar flavoured Pringles, his personal favourite.
Sources close to the deal say Pringles will pay $2 million annually for the name ‘Pringledome,’ and will supply all Flames staff and management with a free supply of chips.
The chip maker has been courting the Calgary Flames since 2004, after a Stanley Cup run made hockey fans—and advertisers—realize the Flames didn’t totally suck.
“Those clowns at Scotiabank swooped in and stole the naming rights out from under us,” said Matt Baker, president and CEO of Pringles, who personally enjoys ketchup-flavoured and obviously has broken taste buds.
“The hyperbolic paraboloid obviously holds a very special meaning to us here at Pringles,” he went on, referring to the ‘saddle’ shape of the both Pringles and the
Saddledome Pringledome. “We saw an opportunity to partner with a world-class stadium that just-so-happened to be the same shape. And today, we’ve made that happen.”
On the phone from his summer home in Kelowna, ex-Flame captain Jarome Iginla says had he known about the sponsorship deal back in the spring when he signed with the Pittsburg Penguins, he never would have left the city.
“It’s every hockey fan’s dream to play for a team that’s sponsored by a chip maker,” said Iginla, all business.
When asked what his favourite flavour of Pringle is, his tone become much more chipper.
“I’m a bit of a purist,” he answered. “Regular Pringles are my favourite, but the BBQ ones are okay, too. Just keep those fuckin’ sour cream and onion chips away from me. Barf.”
The 2013-2014 NHL season begins on Oct. 1, but the Flames home-opener will be played in the Pringledome on Oct. 6 against the Vancouver Canucks.
This story is a work of satire intended for amusement purposes only.