By Urban Anomie
CALGARY, AB – The City of Calgary’s Mayor’s Office recognized their Toronto counterpart, Rob Ford, on Monday with the traditional Smithbilt asshat, placing him in elite company alongside Tom Cruise and Roger ‘that guy who blocks people on Twitter for no reason’ Millions – the only other recipients to receive the honour.
Calgary’s equivalent of offering the keys to the city, the tradition of “ass-hatting” dates back to the late 1980s, when a former Calgary mayor—who was something of an asshat himself—came up with a way to welcome notable guests to the city by capping their head with the unmistakable symbol of a human ass.
In a ceremony held at a former crack house turned educational centre in the quaint neighbourhood of Dover, Ford was ‘ass-hatted’ in front of a group of grade three students from Coppercrown Elementary School, who made the journey to the community to witness to the historic event.
James Curry was one of the students in attendance, and says the field trip had some interesting moments even before the ass-hatting began.
“When the school bus dropped us off, we saw a woman with big hair and a short leopard dress on her knees,” said Curry. “She was hurt because she was moaning and a man was helping her up I guess, but his pants weren’t on for some reason. We were all laughing, but Ms. Anderson said we had to hurry along.
“When we got to the house, a man with a machine gun let us in and we went to the basement and had to sit on a really dirty floor.” Curry recalled. “Somebody should probably vacuum and clean up in there.”
Teresa Anderson, grade three teacher at Coppercrown Elementary, says the class field trip was a very rewarding experience for her students.
“It’s not every day kids get to meet the mayor of not one, but two Canadian cities,” says Anderson. “And for participating at the ceremony, they were each given little asshats of their own to wear on the trip home.”
Rumours around city hall report the City has plans to honour the singer/actor/woman beater Chris Brown with the white asshat if he ever comes to town.
This story is a work of satire intended for amusement purposes only.