By Urban Anomie
An Alberta man has been found guilty for crimes against the state in Kaznia this week, for putting the toilet paper roll on backwards when he replaced the empty roll with a full one. He has been sentenced to 50 lashes in a public square.
James Rogers, 41, hails from Red Deer, AB, and was visiting the country on a stopover while on his way to Turkey, where he was to meet his family for a holiday
Karen Lewsky, Rogers’ lawyer, released a statement saying they will appeal the sentencing, but admits it’s a long shot.
“For all I know, my client has already received his lashes,” says Lewsky.
She maintains her client did nothing wrong, but others would argue he did do something wrong—something seriously wrong.
According to Shira law, the toilet paper should come off over the roll, not under, says Gerald Buchanan, a law professor at McGill University. “This is a serious crime. I’m surprised the man wasn’t beheaded.”
Severe punishments for crimes of this nature are not unheard of in the country. In 2006, an Italian exchange student was sentenced to death by beheading for wearing his baseball cap backwards in a museum.
In an earlier case that year, an American schoolteacher was sentenced to 100 lashes for not putting the newspaper back together properly in a Kaznian café.
And back in 1993, a Russian businessman was imprisoned for 20 years for getting a fingerprint on a CD that he borrowed from the library. He is set to be released later this month.
Rogers’ family has sent a letter to the Prime Minister’s office asking for a diplomatic intervention, but they have not responded.
This story is a satire piece intended for amusement purposes only