City approves actual Jurassic Park at Stadium Shopping Centre location

Aug 1st, 2013 | By | Category: Calgary
Jurassic Park Calagry

InGen is sparing no expense to make sure Calgarians don’t become lunch snacks, says officials.

By Urban Anomie

CALGARY, AB — City Council has approved plans for a purposed real life Jurassic Park on the corner of 16th Ave and Uxbridge Drive N.W., despite protests from residents of surrounding neighbourhoods.

“What if there’s a power failure and the electric fences go down—even for a second or two?” cried Stanley Granger, president of the University Heights Community Association. “What if velociraptors or a T-Rex breaks loose? This is bullshit.”

City officials said they looked at all options brought to the table for the location, which is currently home to an aging strip mall and redonkulously over-priced parking lot for Foothills Hospital.

“Some groups wanted a hotel, some groups wanted a playground . . . the fact is, we felt InGen brought the most viable plan to the table,” says Sarah Carvey, an approver at the City. “Calgarians are in for a real treat once the dinosaurs arrive in 2018.

Indeed, InGen has been hard at work cloning dinosaurs since the early 1990s, and after several high-profile theme park flops, President and CEO, John Hammond says they’ve been on the lookout for an area suitable for their next location.

“Calgary is a wonderful city, with wonderful people. We’re going to spare no expense when it comes to bringing the most advanced theme park the world has ever seen to this city,” said Hammond.

When asked at a town hall meeting what kind of precautions the City and InGen will be taking with regards to safety of the neighbourhood and its residents, Hammond responded, “There’s going to be an electric fence around the perimeter of the park.”

A riot broke-out immediately after.

Construction will begin in the spring of 2014.

This story is a satire piece intended for amusement purposes only.

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