Police, City urge calm after shark attack in Bow River leaves Calgary man with extensive injuries

Jul 31st, 2013 | By | Category: Alberta, Calgary, Humour, News, Popular
Great White Calgary

Experts say the recent flood may have made it easier for great white and other sharks to navigate the Bow River.

By Urban Anomie

CALGARY, AB — The July 31 shark-attack on a Calgary man inside city limits has prompted Calgary Police to suspend all water activities in the Bow and Elbow River, as well as the Glenmore Reservoir, until the shark is caught.

The incident occurred just off Prince’s Island Park, and the victim—who is alive, but sustained extensive injuries including 1,285 stitches and a severed leg—has been identified as William Terrell, a 36-year old father of three from Sunnyside.

Calgary Police spokesman, Insp. Martin Brody told Urban Anomie that approximately 40 people witnessed the incident.

“While floating down the river on Thursday at around 2:00 p.m., a shark came out of nowhere and attacked the man with great speed and ferocity,” says Brody.

Witness accounts peg the shark at 13 to 18-feet in length, and say the creature was moving with a terrifying speed.

“Definitely an 18-footer,” says Susan Quint, who was cycling over the Prince’s Island Bridge into downtown immediately before the incident took place.

“There was a commotion ahead of me, and people were screaming and pointing to the river. I stopped my bike, and my heart stopped as I immediately saw the outline of a great white jetting towards a small raft.”

Quint says there was no mistake the shark was a great white.

“My grandfather was one of the few survivors of the USS Indianapolis sinking and knows a thing or two about sharks. The dorsal fin and unmistakable white underside point to it being a great white, without question.”

The City has brought in experts on marine wildlife to help catch the shark, and Mayor Nenshi has called for calm, as not two hours after the incident took place, some Calgarians took to the rivers armed with rifles and spears to try and kill the creature responsible.

“I have a large number of nouns that I can use to describe these people,” Nenshi said, as he spoke to reporters during a press conference. “Stay off the river, and I won’t use any of the nouns that I really want to use.”

This is not the first time a shark attack has occurred in Alberta. In 2003, a Nanton woman was attacked in Chain Lakes while waterskiing, and in 2009, a Lethbridge man was killed by a tiger shark in the Oldman River, after falling in while drunk.

Experts say in order to catch the great white in Calgary, they need to bring in larger equipment.

“We’re definitely going to need a bigger boat,” says Matt Hooper, Alberta’s foremost marine biology authority.

This story is a satire piece intended for amusement purposes only. I can’t believe I have to include this disclaimer, you moron.

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42 Comments to “Police, City urge calm after shark attack in Bow River leaves Calgary man with extensive injuries”

  1. I Saw it in a Movie... says:

    That wasn’t an ordinary tornado last month – it must have been a sharknado! Does this mean Ian Zeiring is in town somewhere?

  2. Roger says:

    My ONLY problem with the article is the disclaimer at the bottom. Shouldn’t have been there. If people aren’t smart enough to figure it out, let them believe. Reminds me of the Onion News article about the 13,000,000 reported dead in Black Fridayday rioting in the U.S. A couple years ago. It proves you can absolutely trust everything you read on the Internet.

  3. Shantel says:

    Wow thats scary! Its not a great white though as they cant survive in fresh water..a bull shark would probably be what it is.

    • Sharkspert says:

      They have actually been found in bodies of fresh water before but not to far up the chain from oceans but yes they can be in fresh water chains. Bull sharks however have been found in inland fresh water chains. It’s terrifying and the reason why I only swim in swimming pools.

  4. Lol says:

    I believed that for a second aha then I realized great whites wouldn’t be able to survive aha

  5. cd from the Jaw says:

    BBut the Fin is so for real 🙂 lol
    We have lotsa those in Moose Jaw too!!! LOL, hahahaha
    Too Funny !!!

  6. pile of says:


  7. Matt says:

    Great whites can’t live in fresh water. The majority of that water would have come from the mountains, making it fresh water. Bull shark, possibly but no. A great white? Completely impossible.

  8. T_pain says:

    Hahahaha is this true????????? Bahahahahahha

  9. Areina says:

    I hadn’t even read to the bottom yet and I started questioning the validity. It would be impossible for a great white to make it that far inland. A bull shark on the other hand, unlikely but possible.

  10. Mike says:

    There is a small island near Vancouver where you can see actual live dinosaurs. The Island has all the species from the Jurassic period. You can even ride the brontosaurus

  11. wtf says:

    One word: Stupid

  12. Cora says:

    Arrogant fools like you, are the reason people have an unreasonable fear of sharks. This is in poor taste and increases the likelihood of more sharks and their habitats being destroyed out of fear.
    The way society is, they will not read the fine print at the bottom, and continue to circulate this as real news.
    In the very least please head this with satire or enlarge the print at the bottom, bold it and highlight in another colour that it is a satire!

  13. Vagina says:

    Haha all you dumb fucks think this shit real I be on my phone while getting some head from a bad Serbian bitch when I see this… All you mofos are stupid ad lololol

  14. Steve Holmgren says:

    I read the headline on fb and posted “” is this a Believe or Not post”
    Then I couldn’t help myself and read the article.
    Then I went back to fb and replied to my post “Sucker”

  15. Robert S says:

    What a waste of time….

  16. brenna says:

    no funny at all…..very poor taste in humour…..

  17. Curtis says:

    I love how people will read the first paragraph of a story, believe it’s true and quickly spread the rumour !! Finish the whole thing you gullible fools!! Lmao

  18. Candace says:

    Let’s hope that the sharks take care of the alligators that have gotten into the water systems from irresponsible pet owners flushing them down the toilets. Maybe the finned menace can be a blessing?

  19. bbennett says:

    If you read the whole story because you thought it ws Bull$hit you would have seen this at the bottom. To all the chicken littles who read part of it, Life is hard and it’s harder if your stupid.

    This story is a satire piece intended for amusement purposes only.

  20. The Boss says:


  21. Phil wall says:

    Susan Quint, lol, who’s grandfather knows a thing about sharks.

  22. Judy w says:

    this is what happens when people buy them as pets. They are cute when they are little, but they just get to big to keep in the fish tank!

    • chip says:

      Seriously…… first off people dont buy greatwhites as pets,,,,,, second only bull sharks can survive in fresh water….. third your an idiot. Bow river is fresh water and the only ocean it comes in contact with is way up in hudsons bay sooooooo no sharks… but thanks for being smart lol

  23. EvanP says:

    “Cst Martin Brody” – baahahahaa

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