Experts say the recent flood may have made it easier for great white and other sharks to navigate the Bow River.
By Urban Anomie
CALGARY, AB — The July 31 shark-attack on a Calgary man inside city limits has prompted Calgary Police to suspend all water activities in the Bow and Elbow River, as well as the Glenmore Reservoir, until the shark is caught.
The incident occurred just off Prince’s Island Park, and the victim—who is alive, but sustained extensive injuries including 1,285 stitches and a severed leg—has been identified as William Terrell, a 36-year old father of three from Sunnyside.
Calgary Police spokesman, Insp. Martin Brody told Urban Anomie that approximately 40 people witnessed the incident.
“While floating down the river on Thursday at around 2:00 p.m., a shark came out of nowhere and attacked the man with great speed and ferocity,” says Brody.
Witness accounts peg the shark at 13 to 18-feet in length, and say the creature was moving with a terrifying speed.
“Definitely an 18-footer,” says Susan Quint, who was cycling over the Prince’s Island Bridge into downtown immediately before the incident took place.
“There was a commotion ahead of me, and people were screaming and pointing to the river. I stopped my bike, and my heart stopped as I immediately saw the outline of a great white jetting towards a small raft.”
Quint says there was no mistake the shark was a great white.
“My grandfather was one of the few survivors of the USS Indianapolis sinking and knows a thing or two about sharks. The dorsal fin and unmistakable white underside point to it being a great white, without question.”
The City has brought in experts on marine wildlife to help catch the shark, and Mayor Nenshi has called for calm, as not two hours after the incident took place, some Calgarians took to the rivers armed with rifles and spears to try and kill the creature responsible.
“I have a large number of nouns that I can use to describe these people,” Nenshi said, as he spoke to reporters during a press conference. “Stay off the river, and I won’t use any of the nouns that I really want to use.”
This is not the first time a shark attack has occurred in Alberta. In 2003, a Nanton woman was attacked in Chain Lakes while waterskiing, and in 2009, a Lethbridge man was killed by a tiger shark in the Oldman River, after falling in while drunk.
Experts say in order to catch the great white in Calgary, they need to bring in larger equipment.
“We’re definitely going to need a bigger boat,” says Matt Hooper, Alberta’s foremost marine biology authority.
This story is a satire piece intended for amusement purposes only. I can’t believe I have to include this disclaimer, you moron.
That wasn’t an ordinary tornado last month – it must have been a sharknado! Does this mean Ian Zeiring is in town somewhere?
The inspectors name is Martin Brody? Ummm, ahhh, I think we will need a bigger boat….
My ONLY problem with the article is the disclaimer at the bottom. Shouldn’t have been there. If people aren’t smart enough to figure it out, let them believe. Reminds me of the Onion News article about the 13,000,000 reported dead in Black Fridayday rioting in the U.S. A couple years ago. It proves you can absolutely trust everything you read on the Internet.
You do realize bull sharks have been found as far as 9-10miles inland in chains of fresh water right?
Lol you do realize that bow river is not connected to any oceans right?? So even your bull shark remarks are dumb
Sharkexpert, Bull Sharks have been found as far north as Illinois in the Mississippi and 2,500 miles upriver in the Amazon. Scary, no matter how far up-river they go.
http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2005/07/0719_050719_bullsharks_2.html
We agree about the disclaimer. It has been removed from most stories, but this one squeaked through.
Wow thats scary! Its not a great white though as they cant survive in fresh water..a bull shark would probably be what it is.
They have actually been found in bodies of fresh water before but not to far up the chain from oceans but yes they can be in fresh water chains. Bull sharks however have been found in inland fresh water chains. It’s terrifying and the reason why I only swim in swimming pools.
I believed that for a second aha then I realized great whites wouldn’t be able to survive aha
BBut the Fin is so for real 🙂 lol
We have lotsa those in Moose Jaw too!!! LOL, hahahaha
Too Funny !!!
we sure do haha the jaw is a hot bed for sharks lol
Roflmfao
Great whites can’t live in fresh water. The majority of that water would have come from the mountains, making it fresh water. Bull shark, possibly but no. A great white? Completely impossible.
I agree completely, bull sharks are the only sharks that can survive in fresh water …
As far as we know. A few short years ago, we would have thought people were crazy to suggest that bull sharks (or any shark) could live in fresh water.
Hahahaha is this true????????? Bahahahahahha
I hadn’t even read to the bottom yet and I started questioning the validity. It would be impossible for a great white to make it that far inland. A bull shark on the other hand, unlikely but possible.
There is a small island near Vancouver where you can see actual live dinosaurs. The Island has all the species from the Jurassic period. You can even ride the brontosaurus
One word: Stupid
Arrogant fools like you, are the reason people have an unreasonable fear of sharks. This is in poor taste and increases the likelihood of more sharks and their habitats being destroyed out of fear.
The way society is, they will not read the fine print at the bottom, and continue to circulate this as real news.
In the very least please head this with satire or enlarge the print at the bottom, bold it and highlight in another colour that it is a satire!
Geeez get laid, lady lol
Jeez lady, you are RUDE!! Go for a swim in the Bow!
Looks like u are abusive everywhere u go Ms. Marilyn. LOL
I completely agree with what you said. This sort of thing angers me because people, as you said won’t always read the fine print, and will circulate this as legitimate news when it’s a load of bollocks. Sorry Urban anonomie; I am usually a fan, but this wasn’t your greatest moment.
It says right at the top of the post Calgary’s least trusted news source. What more do you want?
Plus who it’s by should give it away with the name alone Urban Anomie
Haha all you dumb fucks think this shit real I be on my phone while getting some head from a bad Serbian bitch when I see this… All you mofos are stupid ad lololol
I read the headline on fb and posted “” is this a Believe or Not post”
Then I couldn’t help myself and read the article.
Then I went back to fb and replied to my post “Sucker”
What a waste of time….
no funny at all…..very poor taste in humour…..
I love how people will read the first paragraph of a story, believe it’s true and quickly spread the rumour !! Finish the whole thing you gullible fools!! Lmao
Let’s hope that the sharks take care of the alligators that have gotten into the water systems from irresponsible pet owners flushing them down the toilets. Maybe the finned menace can be a blessing?
Uhhhh we dont have gators in canada…. and this is totally fake …… use your brain people
If you read the whole story because you thought it ws Bull$hit you would have seen this at the bottom. To all the chicken littles who read part of it, Life is hard and it’s harder if your stupid.
This story is a satire piece intended for amusement purposes only.
not very funny at all….
LMFAOOOOOO HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Brilliant, loved every word.
Thank you for pulling me in and making me brust out laughing.
Great job.
Susan Quint, lol, who’s grandfather knows a thing about sharks.
this is what happens when people buy them as pets. They are cute when they are little, but they just get to big to keep in the fish tank!
Seriously…… first off people dont buy greatwhites as pets,,,,,, second only bull sharks can survive in fresh water….. third your an idiot. Bow river is fresh water and the only ocean it comes in contact with is way up in hudsons bay sooooooo no sharks… but thanks for being smart lol
“Cst Martin Brody” – baahahahaa