By Urban Anomie
CALGARY, AB — The July 31 shark-attack on a Calgary man inside city limits has prompted Calgary Police to suspend all water activities in the Bow and Elbow River, as well as the Glenmore Reservoir, until the shark is caught.
The incident occurred just off Prince’s Island Park, and the victim—who is alive, but sustained extensive injuries including 1,285 stitches and a severed leg—has been identified as William Terrell, a 36-year old father of three from Sunnyside.
Calgary Police spokesman, Insp. Martin Brody told Urban Anomie that approximately 40 people witnessed the incident.
“While floating down the river on Thursday at around 2:00 p.m., a shark came out of nowhere and attacked the man with great speed and ferocity,” says Brody.
Witness accounts peg the shark at 13 to 18-feet in length, and say the creature was moving with a terrifying speed.
“Definitely an 18-footer,” says Susan Quint, who was cycling over the Prince’s Island Bridge into downtown immediately before the incident took place.
“There was a commotion ahead of me, and people were screaming and pointing to the river. I stopped my bike, and my heart stopped as I immediately saw the outline of a great white jetting towards a small raft.”
Quint says there was no mistake the shark was a great white.
“My grandfather was one of the few survivors of the USS Indianapolis sinking and knows a thing or two about sharks. The dorsal fin and unmistakable white underside point to it being a great white, without question.”
The City has brought in experts on marine wildlife to help catch the shark, and Mayor Nenshi has called for calm, as not two hours after the incident took place, some Calgarians took to the rivers armed with rifles and spears to try and kill the creature responsible.
“I have a large number of nouns that I can use to describe these people,” Nenshi said, as he spoke to reporters during a press conference. “Stay off the river, and I won’t use any of the nouns that I really want to use.”
This is not the first time a shark attack has occurred in Alberta. In 2003, a Nanton woman was attacked in Chain Lakes while waterskiing, and in 2009, a Lethbridge man was killed by a tiger shark in the Oldman River, after falling in while drunk.
Experts say in order to catch the great white in Calgary, they need to bring in larger equipment.
“We’re definitely going to need a bigger boat,” says Matt Hooper, Alberta’s foremost marine biology authority.
This story is a satire piece intended for amusement purposes only.