By Urban Anomie
CALGARY, AB – Residents of the southwest community of Marda Loop have filed a motion to block the migration of ugly people into the hip and trendy neighbourbood.
Sebastian Yates, head of the Marda Loop Community Association, says ugly people are lowering land values and causing people to mistake the community for Bankview, or worse, Spruce Cliff.
“Is it so bad to want to keep ugly people out of view?” asked Yates. “I mean, people view it as acceptable to want to keep sour gas wells out of their neighbourhood . . . it’s the same thing. This is a community for beautiful people. We don’t want to become ‘Marda Looprosy.”’
While the majority of residents are on board with the proposed plan, there is a small group of people who wonder what will happen to the ugly people already living in the area.
“We can’t just ship them off to internment camps,” says Michael Freeman, a resident of Marda Loop for the past six years. “If we could, it would be a different story, but it’s 2013 and we’re more civilized than that, so we have to find a way to live with them.”
During a town hall meeting on Monday, Marda Loop resident, Madison Bowring, asked who would be the judge of a person’s ugliness.
“What if an ugly person sneaks onto the committee and lets others like him or her into the community,” said Bowring. “We’ll have to make sure the proper safeguards are in place to prevent such an atrocity from happening.”
A spokesman for Freedom for Ugly People (FUP) says the group is way out of line, and wants the city to throw out the motion.
“Neighbourhoods can’t honestly hope to block certain groups from living there,” said Dana Turner of FUP via telephone from her office in Edmonton, ugly capital of the world.
“I’ve never heard of such an absurd motion being passed. I expect the City and lawmakers to laugh ‘til they’re in stitches while they debate this motion.”
However, in 1997, Eau Claire residents got their way and successfully passed a motion to block poor people from moving into the area.
But “that’s different,” claims Yates. “What Eau Claire did was artificially inflate land values using economics and science and stuff, effectively placing the community out of reach of ugly people, who often sit lower on the socio-economic scale.
“A few ugly people sneak into Eau Claire if they can afford it. We want to stop all ugly people from getting into Marda Loop.”
The community is no stranger to controversy, having filed a lawsuit over the lack of Starbucks’ in the area in 2011, and seeking to erect a 12-foot electric fence to keep outsiders at bay in 2012.
More from Urban Anomie:
- Former lobster restaurant employee admits to burning down 16th Ave. location after years of ‘shovelling that shit onto plates’ caused him to snap
- Video games blamed for violent incident at Calgary kindergarten
- Peanut butter crisis threatens to kill millions in Canada