By Urban Anomie
CALGARY, AB – Investigators with the Calgary Fire Dept. say they’ve uncovered the motives behind a mysterious fire at a restaurant in the city’s N.W. in the fall of 2011, that forced the closure of the chain restaurant.
Former sous chef, Steven White (26), has been charged with arson, mischief, criminal insanity, and failure to know how to cook worth a goddamn, after turning himself into police last week.
Duty Insp. Paul Reinhold issued a statement on the investigation.
“Mr. White admitted to investigators that he simply got tired of watching people come through the doors thinking they were getting quality food,” said Reinhold.
“At the end of his shift on Oct. 15, 2011, [White] created a bonfire in the kitchen with the intention of burning the live lobsters in a ritual sacrifice which he hoped would ‘appease the Goddess of Cooking.’ Things appear to have gotten out of hand quickly, and the fire spread to the rest of the kitchen. Mr. White panicked and fled the scene.”
White’s lawyer, Edmund McQuillen, says his client is remorseful of the incident, and deserves leniency in his sentencing.
“I mean, come on . . . Have you been to that restaurant?” McQuillen asked reporters. “He was doing this fine city a favour as far as I’m concerned.
“Besides, my client is clearly insane. Everybody knows the Goddess of Cooking is not in the office from August to January.”
The Goddess of Cooking could not be reached by telephone, but a statement from Martha Stewart’s office was emailed to Urban Anomie stating they “do not wish to be affiliated with this quack ( . . .) please never contact us again.”
Sentencing is to take place on Aug. 22.
This story is a satire piece intended for amusement purposes only.