By Urban Anomie
So you’ve decided you want to become an asshole. Good for you—the world needs all the assholes it can get!
Assholes work together with everyone else to provide stability and equilibrium within the societal constructs we’ve built for ourselves.
Every time someone holds a door open for a stranger, some asshole will be there to slam it in another person’s face. For every “thank you” and other gestures of gratitude that are shared between people, there’s an asshole who’ll yell at a cashier for being too slow. Any time a child sings at Sunday mass, an asshole will blast his douchebag car stereo at 3:20 a.m. and wake all his neighbours.
It’s all about balance, and assholes play an important part in maintaining this balance.
Without balance, the world would flip upside-down. Without balance, the very fabric of space and time would shred itself to pieces, bringing about the end of human existence. Without balance, hotdogs would be hotcats, the environment would be running our species into extinction, and dial-up Internet would be the norm. I don’t know, I didn’t make these rules . . .
The first step in becoming an asshole is to dress the part. Pants four sizes too big, food and grease-stained baseball cap of a team you don’t cheer for, and a shirt one to two-sizes too small is the standard fare. If you’re looking to become a hipster asshole, you can wear giant sunglasses indoors, a V-neck shirt, second hand blazer, and/or grow your hair longer.
Next you’ll need to only start talking about yourself. This is a key component when it comes to being a good asshole. Never ask anyone how their day is going, never take an interest in those around you. If you’re not on your game, and you let slip a “how’s it going?,” simply ignore whoever you’re talking to’s answer.
Next, always compare your trials and achievements to those around you. If someone’s talking about their hard workday, you damn well make sure they know that your day was harder! Tell everyone around you, too! If one of your friends makes mention of a tough class they’re taking, you damn well make sure they know your class schedule is ten times more difficult. Don’t forget to mention that you’re likely to get a better job when you graduate, too.
Third, you’re going to want to become oblivious to those around you. If you’re in a line-up at the grocery store with your shopping cart full of 150 things, and some sap lines up behind you with one item, don’t let them go ahead of you. It’s okay to look at them in feigned pity once you’ve loaded all your junk onto the conveyor belt, and if you want to be a great asshole, this is the perfect time to snicker at the situation.
Next, any time you’re on an airplane, put your chair as far back as you can. Even if you’re not in the mood to lay down, having your chair back makes it very uncomfortable for the person behind you. It doesn’t matter if the person behind you is short or tall, fat or skinny, you paid money for your seat all the same, so you might as well get your money’s worth.
A good asshole will always dine and dash at friends and relatives houses when invited over. Not only that, but a good asshole will help themselves to whatever goodies they might find in the cupboards and fridge of their host. A great asshole will take advantage of the host’s generosity and continuously abuse the relationship by never bringing over a dish, never offering to help clean up, and never bringing their own booze. If you do bring your own six-pack, remember to take all the leftovers home when you leave. Furthermore, always leave as soon as you’ve eaten. It makes the host feel especially used, and good assholes get off on that sort of thing.
As assholes are key to the very survival of the human species, it is important to remind everyone you come in contact with of your general superiority over them. Whether you want to join the KKK or the Black Panthers, an Atheist group, the Catholic Church, a Muslim brotherhood . . . whichever you choose, it is very important that you lord your status over others, and always condemn them for being different than you, for being inferior to you.
One often-overlooked aspect of being an asshole is the ability to deflect criticism using a victim mentality. Anytime someone calls you on something dickish, you throw it in his or her face and turn everything around on them. For example, you’re yelling and cursing when standing in line at the bank and someone asks you to tone it down and relax, you burst out into a tirade over the medication you had to take with food 15 minutes ago, because you have cancer and are dying. Of course you don’t have cancer, and certainly don’t have to take any medication, but now you’ve made the person who told you to tone it down miserable, and everyone else in your presence as well. This skill can take years, if not decades, to perfect, so don’t be discouraged if you look like an asshat (which is not the same as an asshole) during your first couple of attempts.
While it’s true that some people are born an asshole, or come across the talent with ease, it generally takes years of practice to perfect the skill. Practice whenever you get the chance, and hopefully by the time you are ready to pass along these skills to your children, you’ll be a certifiable asshole.