By Dylan Random An Alberta newspaper reported on Monday that a missile fired from the mountains near the town of Blairmore hit an Anti-Dairy Force (ADF) controlled missile base in southeastern B.C. The news agency quoted eyewitnesses who said “hundreds” were incinerated or injured, and that the majority of the military installation was destroyed. On
- 91 dead, hundreds wounded as the Gluten-Free Militia launches pre-emptive strike on Anti-Dairy Forces
- Single man celebrates Valentine’s Day by dabbling in black magic to create a v00doo doll containing the soul of his ex-wife
- Assholes flock to social media to be the first to post spoilers of their favourite TV show
- House fire sparks neighbourhood wiener and marshmallow roast
- Post-secondary grads can now pay off student loan debt with unborn children, body parts
- Calgarian who wins $40 million lotto jackpot isn’t a fucker after all
- Documents reveal the Gingerbread Man’s father was a Nazi
- Mother Nature found dead in her home, police suspect foul play
- Red Deer man endures Black Friday line for six hours to save $8 on a pair of shoes
- Alaska sold back to Russia
At the age of four, wishing her son to live a richer, more full life free from the rule of a merciless dictator, his mother arranged to have him smuggled out of Latveria by travelling merchant.
His benefactor, known only as Stromboli, earned a modest living hustling exotic cheeses, but his real wealth came from smuggling illegal Gouda inside of wooden puppets. He took pity on the nuns and their little boy, and agreed to hide Dylan aboard his horse carriage in exchange for five silver pieces. Insulted that her son was only worth five silver pieces, she gave the man 20 and called it a deal.
Travelling all over Asia, Europe, and Africa with Stromboli, Dylan developed an appreciation for all things unique, ridiculous, and bizarre, and became enamoured with the art of story telling. What began as a skill he used to hustle customers into buying basic dumb-dumb cheese at insanely inflated prices, soon grew into a passion for reporting on his journeys with his own brand of snark, satire, and hyperbole.
He shared stories of his adventures with new people he encountered, and found great joy in bringing — from that time authorities in India tried to stop a man from taking his pet tiger onto a train, to his kerfuffle with a group of locals in Manchester over the colour of his scarf, blue and black apparently representing Manchester City of the Premier League—or “those wankstain Blues,” as the doctor who was sewing stitches into his cheek explained.
The taste of cheese grew stale for Dylan, and at the age of 20 he crossed the Pacific to a land where he was not being sued for libel, defamation, or misrepresentation, and was free to discover a whole new continent.
Adventure after adventure, he longed to tell others of the wonders he encountered. However, while attempting to land a job, he soon discovered Canadian companies insisted their employees have some sort of piece of paper with their name on it.
And so, Dylan went off to College and University where he didn’t really learn anything . . . but with a few pieces of paper with his name printed on them in hand, he set off on a new journey: one that didn’t quite pay him the megabucks . . . at least he gets decent benefits.
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The Canadian government has stepped up its efforts to sort out the peanut butter crisis gripping millions of people in the country, in response to widespread reports of malnutrition and depression since Jif peanut butter abandoned the Canadian market in 2010. Today, some 122,000 people—mostly children—in Alberta, Ontario, and the Maritimes are severely malnourished, according
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Single man celebrates Valentine’s Day by dabbling in black magic to create a v00doo doll containing the soul of his ex-wife
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By Dylan Random Whack-A-Mole will be returning to the Olympics in 2020. After presentations by groups pushing for the inclusion of tug-of-war, mud wrestling, and Whack-A-Mole before the International Olympic Committee (IOC) on Sunday in Buenos Aires, the IOC voted to admit the high-pressure game that challenges the speed and concentration of athletes back into
By Dylan Random Global premium vacuum cleaner brand, Dyson, announced on Friday that it has signed an exclusive sponsorship deal with the Calgary Flames as its premier ambassador to reinforce its commitment towards sucking in North America. The Calgary Flames will represent the brand for their ‘Red Hot’ series of vacuum, a unique and innovative
By Dylan Random With a mounting fiscal deficit, The Obama administration announced on Tuesday that it has sold Alaska back to Russia for more than $130,000 in an all-cash deal that will see the freezing cold state become Russian territory for the first time since 1867. President Obama’s chief of Polar Affairs, Henry Fielding, said
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