By Dylan Random CALGARY, AB – Monsanto, one of the world’s largest producers of genetically engineered crops, will begin spraying entire cities with a new chemical called Vynthium-9, which is designed to make people more receptive to genetically engineered food, and the Monsanto name, in general. The controversial agricultural/biotechnology giant has been in the spotlight
- Monsanto to begin spraying cities with chemical designed to make people not hate Monsanto
- Calgary falls into complete disarray after Nenshi walks away from Twitter for a few days
- “I’ve been in three fights tonight and have won ‘em all,” says makeshift cowboy as he’s kicked out of Stampede grounds
- B.C. to partner with marijuana industry on development of new school curriculum
- Council approves $12 million magpie relocation plan
- Zoo places lion on gluten-free, vegan diet
- Police patrol popular hot spots, reminding Calgarians of new deodorant bylaw
- 91 dead, hundreds wounded as the Gluten-Free Militia launches pre-emptive strike on Anti-Dairy Forces
- Single man celebrates Valentine’s Day by dabbling in black magic to create a v00doo doll containing the soul of his ex-wife
- Assholes flock to social media to be the first to post spoilers of their favourite TV show
At the age of four, wishing her son to live a richer, more full life free from the rule of a merciless dictator, his mother arranged to have him smuggled out of Latveria by travelling merchant.
His benefactor, known only as Stromboli, earned a modest living hustling exotic cheeses, but his real wealth came from smuggling illegal Gouda inside of wooden puppets. He took pity on that little boy and his mother, and agreed to hide Dylan aboard his horse carriage in exchange for five silver pieces. Insulted that her son was only worth five silver pieces, she gave the man 20 and called it a deal.
Travelling all over Asia, Europe, and Africa with Stromboli, Dylan developed an appreciation for all things unique, ridiculous, and bizarre, and became enamoured with the art of story telling. What began as a skill he used to hustle customers into buying basic dumb-dumb cheese at insanely inflated prices, soon grew into a passion for reporting on his journeys with his own brand of snark, satire, and hyperbole.
He shared stories of his adventures with new people he encountered, and found great joy in bringing — from that time authorities in India tried to stop a man from taking his pet tiger onto a train, to his kerfuffle with a group of locals in Manchester over the colour of his scarf, blue and black apparently representing Manchester City of the Premier League—or “those wankstain Blues,” as the doctor who was sewing stitches into his cheek explained.
The taste of cheese grew stale for Dylan, and at the age of 20 he crossed the Pacific to a land where he was not being sued for libel, defamation, or misrepresentation, and was free to discover a whole new continent.
Adventure after adventure, he longed to tell others of the wonders he encountered. However, while attempting to land a job, he soon discovered Canadian companies insisted their employees have some sort of piece of paper with their name on it.
And so, Dylan went off to College and University where he didn’t really learn anything . . . but with a few pieces of paper with his name printed on them in hand, he set off on a new journey: one that didn’t quite pay him the megabucks . . . at least he gets decent benefits.
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The Canadian government has stepped up its efforts to sort out the peanut butter crisis gripping millions of people in the country, in response to widespread reports of malnutrition and depression since Jif peanut butter abandoned the Canadian market in 2010. Today, some 122,000 people—mostly children—in Alberta, Ontario, and the Maritimes are severely malnourished, according
By Dylan Random The distant ice world is no longer a dwarf planet, at least according to the new definition of the term voted on by astronomers in Prague this week. “This is a major blow to Pluto, which has suffered enough humiliation in recent years,” said astronomer Rob Hawthorne of Mount Royal University in
By Dylan Random “Keep fit and have fun.” Or as Joanne McLeod of Body Break likely means, “Keep fit and fuck off.” During last week’s episode of The Amazing Race Canada, favourites McLeod and partner Hal Johnson were eliminated from the show after a gruelling challenge in Regina. At one point during the episode, McLeod was thought
By Dylan Random The tsunami that struck Calgary and the town of High River in June has left the city with countless sinkholes – some capable of swallowing people, some, entire city blocks. On Thursday, the southwest neighbourhood of Silverado was noticed to be missing by a mail carrier on her route, and experts agree
By Dylan Random CALGARY, AB – Residents of the southwest community of Marda Loop have filed a motion to block the migration of ugly people into the hip and trendy neighbourbood. Sebastian Yates, head of the Marda Loop Community Association, says ugly people are lowering land values and causing people to mistake the community for
By Dylan Random On Monday, City Council approved an ambitious plan to deal with the city’s annoying magpie problem, by capturing all the squawky birds and moving them three kms outside city limits. Dubbed “Operation Wingstrike,” the plan is being hailed as a first for any city in the world, and according to independent experts,
By Dylan Random The Alberta Zoo has an overweight lion on its hands, and plans to combat the problem by placing its pride and joy, Sefu, on an all-natural gluten-free, vegan diet. Alonzo Ramos, director of Research and Veterinary Programs at The Alberta Zoo, says his team has spent “like, three hours” researching all manner of
By Dylan Random About 45 officers with the Calgary Police olfactory crimes division were on patrol along strategic points in the city this weekend, conducting a deodorant bylaw enforcement operation after receiving numerous complaints about “foul-smelling barbarians” in the city. “Warmer weather has created a surge in stink-related complaints,” says Cst. David Shelly of the olfactory
“I’ve been in three fights tonight and have won ‘em all,” says makeshift cowboy as he’s kicked out of Stampede grounds
By Dylan Random A Calgary Man proclaimed proudly to anybody who would listen on Saturday night that he was in three physical confrontations with other Stampede-goers, and that he was successful in each attempt at proving his manliness. Police asked the man to be quiet as they escorted him off the Stampede grounds and into the
By Dylan Random Whack-A-Mole will be returning to the Olympics in 2020. After presentations by groups pushing for the inclusion of tug-of-war, mud wrestling, and Whack-A-Mole before the International Olympic Committee (IOC) on Sunday in Buenos Aires, the IOC voted to admit the high-pressure game that challenges the speed and concentration of athletes back into
By Dylan Random Global premium vacuum cleaner brand, Dyson, announced on Friday that it has signed an exclusive sponsorship deal with the Calgary Flames as its premier ambassador to reinforce its commitment towards sucking in North America. The Calgary Flames will represent the brand for their ‘Red Hot’ series of vacuum, a unique and innovative
By Dylan Random The province of British Columbia announced today that they have partnered with various marijuana growers in the design and creation of a new school curriculum for kindergarten through grade 12 students. The marijuana industry’s involvement in the province’s educational development is creating concern among uptight conservative groups and parents. Social Reform Party
By Dylan Random With a mounting fiscal deficit, The Obama administration announced on Tuesday that it has sold Alaska back to Russia for more than $130,000 in an all-cash deal that will see the freezing cold state become Russian territory for the first time since 1867. President Obama’s chief of Polar Affairs, Henry Fielding, said
By Dylan Random The Liberal Party is banking on Justin Trudeau’s dashing good looks and wavy locks of chestnut hair to turn around the party’s finances in order to take on the formidable Conservative fundraising machine. With his sizzling mane of hair and dimples that can melt steel, the 41-year-old relative newcomer to politics has