By Dylan Random Homicide investigators with the Calgary Police Service are on the scene of an apparent targeted attack in the southeast neighbourhood of Lake Bonavista early Monday afternoon, marking what is thought to be the city’s 21st homicide this year. Officers were called to a home in the 700 block of 120 Ave. SE
- Mother Nature found dead in her home, police suspect foul play
- Red Deer man endures Black Friday line for six hours to save $8 on a pair of shoes
- Alaska sold back to Russia
- Van Damme Volvo commercial hits 50 million views in one week . . . by 38 people watching it over and over again
- Southern Alberta town to change name to Kirby Montana in a bid to keep people away
- The Christmas tree guide
- Americans pleased that Canadians are just as fucked up as they are
- Bank of Canada scratches plan to feature Rob Ford on new $15 bill
- Editorial – Rob Ford: balls of steel
- Woman upset after being told Thanksgiving turkey used to be alive
At the age of four, wishing her son to live a richer, more full life free from the rule of a merciless dictator, his mother arranged to have him smuggled out of Latveria by travelling merchant.
His benefactor, known only as Stromboli, earned a modest living hustling exotic cheeses, but his real wealth came from smuggling illegal Gouda inside of wooden puppets. He took pity on the nuns and their little boy, and agreed to hide Dylan aboard his horse carriage in exchange for five silver pieces. Insulted that her son was only worth five silver pieces, she gave the man 20 and called it a deal.
Travelling all over Asia, Europe, and Africa with Stromboli, Dylan developed an appreciation for all things unique, ridiculous, and bizarre, and became enamoured with the art of story telling. What began as a skill he used to hustle customers into buying basic dumb-dumb cheese at insanely inflated prices, soon grew into a passion for reporting on his journeys with his own brand of snark, satire, and hyperbole.
He shared stories of his adventures with new people he encountered, and found great joy in bringing — from that time authorities in India tried to stop a man from taking his pet tiger onto a train, to his kerfuffle with a group of locals in Manchester over the colour of his scarf, blue and black apparently representing Manchester City of the Premier League—or “those wankstain Blues,” as the doctor who was sewing stitches into his cheek explained.
The taste of cheese grew stale for Dylan, and at the age of 20 he crossed the Pacific to a land where he was not being sued for libel, defamation, or misrepresentation, and was free to discover a whole new continent.
Adventure after adventure, he longed to tell others of the wonders he encountered. However, while attempting to land a job, he soon discovered Canadian companies insisted their employees have some sort of piece of paper with their name on it.
And so, Dylan went off to College and University where he didn’t really learn anything . . . but with a few pieces of paper with his name printed on them in hand, he set off on a new journey: one that didn’t quite pay him the megabucks . . . at least he gets decent benefits.
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The Canadian government has stepped up its efforts to sort out the peanut butter crisis gripping millions of people in the country, in response to widespread reports of malnutrition and depression since Jif peanut butter abandoned the Canadian market in 2010. Today, some 122,000 people—mostly children—in Alberta, Ontario, and the Maritimes are severely malnourished, according
By Dylan Random The distant ice world is no longer a dwarf planet, at least according to the new definition of the term voted on by astronomers in Prague this week. “This is a major blow to Pluto, which has suffered enough humiliation in recent years,” said astronomer Rob Hawthorne of Mount Royal University in
By Dylan Random “Keep fit and have fun.” Or as Joanne McLeod of Body Break likely means, “Keep fit and fuck off.” During last week’s episode of The Amazing Race Canada, favourites McLeod and partner Hal Johnson were eliminated from the show after a gruelling challenge in Regina. At one point during the episode, McLeod was thought
By Dylan Random The tsunami that struck Calgary and the town of High River in June has left the city with countless sinkholes – some capable of swallowing people, some, entire city blocks. On Thursday, the southwest neighbourhood of Silverado was noticed to be missing by a mail carrier on her route, and experts agree
By Dylan Random CALGARY, AB – Residents of the southwest community of Marda Loop have filed a motion to block the migration of ugly people into the hip and trendy neighbourbood. Sebastian Yates, head of the Marda Loop Community Association, says ugly people are lowering land values and causing people to mistake the community for
By Dylan Random A Red Deer man who lined-up at 3:00 a.m. to be one of the first in line at Soleful Shoes says it was all worth it to get 10% off an $80 pair of shoes that cost $3 to make. Mike Dunham, 32, arrived with a lawn chair, a dog-eared copy of
Van Damme Volvo commercial hits 50 million views in one week . . . by 38 people watching it over and over again
By Dylan Random Troubled action star, Jean-Claude Van Damme, ground the Internet to a halt last week, when Volvo unveiled their latest commercial featuring the Muscles from Brussels doing the splits across two moving trucks to the new age sounds of Enya. As of Monday evening, there have been over 50,900,000 views for the commercial,
By Dylan_Random The tourist-destination town of Banff, Alberta has become so popular, that in order to curb people from visiting it has announced plans to change its name to Kirby Montana. Council member, Louise White, says Kirby, Montana exemplifies a run-down shit hole that nobody wants to visit, and thinks that by making the change,
By Dylan Random Whack-A-Mole will be returning to the Olympics in 2020. After presentations by groups pushing for the inclusion of tug-of-war, mud wrestling, and Whack-A-Mole before the International Olympic Committee (IOC) on Sunday in Buenos Aires, the IOC voted to admit the high-pressure game that challenges the speed and concentration of athletes back into
By Dylan Random Global premium vacuum cleaner brand, Dyson, announced on Friday that it has signed an exclusive sponsorship deal with the Calgary Flames as its premier ambassador to reinforce its commitment towards sucking in North America. The Calgary Flames will represent the brand for their ‘Red Hot’ series of vacuum, a unique and innovative
By Dylan Random With a mounting fiscal deficit, The Obama administration announced on Tuesday that it has sold Alaska back to Russia for more than $130,000 in an all-cash deal that will see the freezing cold state become Russian territory for the first time since 1867. President Obama’s chief of Polar Affairs, Henry Fielding, said
By Dylan Random The Liberal Party is banking on Justin Trudeau’s dashing good looks and wavy locks of chestnut hair to turn around the party’s finances in order to take on the formidable Conservative fundraising machine. With his sizzling mane of hair and dimples that can melt steel, the 41-year-old relative newcomer to politics has
By Dylan Random The Canadian Government is moving towards a fight to the finish in the war on drugs, with Francis Letourneau, the Minister of Agriculture, announcing today that the government has purchased 24 ‘super robots’ capable of levelling entire grow-ops with energy blasts projected from weapons mounted on each arm. Nearing 40-feet in height,