91 dead, hundreds wounded as the Gluten-Free Militia launches pre-emptive strike on Anti-Dairy Forces

By Dylan Random An Alberta newspaper reported on Monday that a missile fired from the mountains near the town of Blairmore hit an Anti-Dairy Force (ADF) controlled missile base in southeastern B.C. The news agency quoted eyewitnesses who said “hundreds” were incinerated or injured, and that the majority of the military installation was destroyed. On

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dylan Dylan Random was born in a prison orphanage in Eastern Latveria to a one-legged ballerina named Liberty. His father, whose name he never did learn, was a founding member of the Cirque Du Oeufs Brouillés Travelling Spectacular, but suffered a tragic end while performing the bullet catch trick alongside his inexperienced novitiate, known to the world now as David Copperfield.

At the age of four, wishing her son to live a richer, more full life free from the rule of a merciless dictator, his mother arranged to have him smuggled out of Latveria by travelling merchant.

His benefactor, known only as Stromboli, earned a modest living hustling exotic cheeses, but his real wealth came from smuggling illegal Gouda inside of wooden puppets. He took pity on the nuns and their little boy, and agreed to hide Dylan aboard his horse carriage in exchange for five silver pieces. Insulted that her son was only worth five silver pieces, she gave the man 20 and called it a deal.

Travelling all over Asia, Europe, and Africa with Stromboli, Dylan developed an appreciation for all things unique, ridiculous, and bizarre, and became enamoured with the art of story telling. What began as a skill he used to hustle customers into buying basic dumb-dumb cheese at insanely inflated prices, soon grew into a passion for reporting on his journeys with his own brand of snark, satire, and hyperbole.

He shared stories of his adventures with new people he encountered, and found great joy in bringing — from that time authorities in India tried to stop a man from taking his pet tiger onto a train, to his kerfuffle with a group of locals in Manchester over the colour of his scarf, blue and black apparently representing Manchester City of the Premier League—or “those wankstain Blues,” as the doctor who was sewing stitches into his cheek explained.

The taste of cheese grew stale for Dylan, and at the age of 20 he crossed the Pacific to a land where he was not being sued for libel, defamation, or misrepresentation, and was free to discover a whole new continent.

Adventure after adventure, he longed to tell others of the wonders he encountered. However, while attempting to land a job, he soon discovered Canadian companies insisted their employees have some sort of piece of paper with their name on it.

And so, Dylan went off to College and University where he didn’t really learn anything . . . but with a few pieces of paper with his name printed on them in hand, he set off on a new journey: one that didn’t quite pay him the megabucks . . . at least he gets decent benefits.

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Jif Crying

Peanut butter crisis threatens to kill millions in Canada

The Canadian government has stepped up its efforts to sort out the peanut butter crisis gripping millions of people in the country, in response to widespread reports of malnutrition and depression since Jif peanut butter abandoned the Canadian market in 2010. Today, some 122,000 people—mostly children—in Alberta, Ontario, and the Maritimes are severely malnourished, according

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Pluto’s planet status gets downgraded once again

By Dylan Random The distant ice world is no longer a dwarf planet, at least according to the new definition of the term voted on by astronomers in Prague this week. “This is a major blow to Pluto, which has suffered enough humiliation in recent years,” said astronomer Rob Hawthorne of Mount Royal University in

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fuck on tv

Joanne McLeod drops F-bomb on the air, Canadians go apeshit

By Dylan Random “Keep fit and have fun.” Or as Joanne McLeod of Body Break likely means, “Keep fit and fuck off.” During last week’s episode of The Amazing Race Canada, favourites McLeod and partner Hal Johnson were eliminated from the show after a gruelling challenge in Regina. At one point during the episode, McLeod was thought

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Calgary Sinkhole

Massive sinkhole swallows neighbourhood of Silverado, Calgarians ask ‘where the hell is that?’

By Dylan Random The tsunami that struck Calgary and the town of High River in June has left the city with countless sinkholes – some capable of swallowing people, some, entire city blocks. On Thursday, the southwest neighbourhood of Silverado was noticed to be missing by a mail carrier on her route, and experts agree

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Marda Loop

Marda Loop residents seek to ban ugly people from moving into the neighbourhood

By Dylan Random CALGARY, AB – Residents of the southwest community of Marda Loop have filed a motion to block the migration of ugly people into the hip and trendy neighbourbood. Sebastian Yates, head of the Marda Loop Community Association, says ugly people are lowering land values and causing people to mistake the community for

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Valentine's Day

Single man celebrates Valentine’s Day by dabbling in black magic to create a v00doo doll containing the soul of his ex-wife

By Dylan Random Valentine’s Day is upon us, and with it, many lovebirds are out buying low quality chocolate at the corner store, over-priced cards riddled with corny platitudes, and surprising their loved-ones with a fluffy stuffed animal that was sewed together in Bangladesh by a mother of eight who can’t even afford shoes for

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The Walking Dead returned to television on Sunday, Feb. 9, and with it all the assholes on social media who couldn't help but tell everyone what happens before they've seen it.

Assholes flock to social media to be the first to post spoilers of their favourite TV show

By Dylan Random The Walking Dead returned this past Sunday, with its mid-season premier that saw fan-favourite Darrel board a plane and head to New Zealand, where the zombie epidemic has not yet struck. No, that’s not true . . . You see, the folks here at Urban Anomie realize not everybody watches the newest

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House fire roasting marshmallows

House fire sparks neighbourhood wiener and marshmallow roast

By Dylan Random A faulty coffee machine is being blamed for a house fire in the southwest neighbourhood of Killarney early Wednesday morning, which has left a crotchety elderly woman—known to neighbours as Griselda the Spider—homeless. Neighbours celebrated the unfortunate incident by gathering around the fire singing So Long It’s Been Good to Know You

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Whack a mole Olympics

IOC votes to reinstate Whack-A-Mole at 2020 Olympics

By Dylan Random Whack-A-Mole will be returning to the Olympics in 2020. After presentations by groups pushing for the inclusion of tug-of-war, mud wrestling, and Whack-A-Mole before the International Olympic Committee (IOC) on Sunday in Buenos Aires, the IOC voted to admit the high-pressure game that challenges the speed and concentration of athletes back into

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Calgary Flames Dyson

Dyson signs exclusive sponsorship deal with the Calgary Flames

By Dylan Random Global premium vacuum cleaner brand, Dyson, announced on Friday that it has signed an exclusive sponsorship deal with the Calgary Flames as its premier ambassador to reinforce its commitment towards sucking in North America. The Calgary Flames will represent the brand for their ‘Red Hot’ series of vacuum, a unique and innovative

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Alaska Russia

Alaska sold back to Russia

By Dylan Random With a mounting fiscal deficit, The Obama administration announced on Tuesday that it has sold Alaska back to Russia for more than $130,000 in an all-cash deal that will see the freezing cold state become Russian territory for the first time since 1867. President Obama’s chief of Polar Affairs, Henry Fielding, said

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'Trudeau moms' in line to bid on locks of Justin Trudeau's hair at an auction to raise money for the Liberal Party.

Liberals plan to auction off locks of Justin Trudeau’s hair in fundraising event

By Dylan Random  The Liberal Party is banking on Justin Trudeau’s dashing good looks and wavy locks of chestnut hair to turn around the party’s finances in order to take on the formidable Conservative fundraising machine. With his sizzling mane of hair and dimples that can melt steel, the 41-year-old relative newcomer to politics has

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Canadian Drug Robots

Harper Government to deploy two-dozen robot soldiers to aid in war on drugs

By Dylan Random The Canadian Government is moving towards a fight to the finish in the war on drugs, with Francis Letourneau, the Minister of Agriculture, announcing today that the government has purchased 24 ‘super robots’ capable of levelling entire grow-ops with energy blasts projected from weapons mounted on each arm. Nearing 40-feet in height,

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